WHEN I was in trouble and soul concern, God would not let me learn of man. I went everywhere to hear, but nobody was suffered to speak to my case. The reason of this I could not tell then, but I know it now. I was made to believe that part of my salvation was to be inherent something called holiness in myself, which the grace of God was to help me to. And I was to get it by watchfulness, prayer, fasting, hearing, reading, sacraments, &c., so that after much and long attendance in these means I might be able to look inward and be pleased with my own improvement, finding myself growing in grace a great deal holier, and more deserving of heaven than I had been. It was sweet food to a proud heart. I feasted on it, and to work I went. It was hard labor and sad bondage, but the hopes of having something to glory in of my own kept up my spirits. I went on striving, agonizing (as they call it), but found myself not a bit better. I thought this was the fault, or that, which being amended I should certainly succeed, and so set out afresh, but came to the same place. No galley slave worked harder or to less purpose. Sometimes I was quite discouraged, and ready to give all up, but the discovery of some supposed hindrance set me to work again. Still I got no ground. This made me wonder, and still more when I found myself going backward. Methought I grew worse.
I saw more sin in myself instead of more holiness, which made my bondage very hard and my heart very heavy. The thing I wanted, the more I pursued it, flew farther and farther from me. I had no notion that this was divine teaching and that God was delivering me from my mistake in this way; so that the discoveries of growing worse were dreadful arguments against myself, until now and then a little light would break in and show me something of the glory of Jesus; but it was a glimpse only—gone in a moment. As I saw more of my heart and began to feel more of my corrupt nature, I got clearer views of gospel grace, and in proportion as I came to know myself, I advanced in the knowledge of Christ Jesus. But this was slow work; the old leaven of self-righteousness (now christened holiness!) stuck to me still, and made me a very dull scholar in the school of Christ.
But I kept on making a little progress, and as I was forced to give up one thing and another on which I had some dependence, I was left at last stripped of all, and neither had nor could have aught to rest my hopes upon that I could call my own. This made way for blessed views of Jesus.
Being now led to very deep discoveries of my own legal heart, of the dishonor I had put upon the Savior, of the despite I had done to the Spirit of His grace, by resisting and perverting the workings of His love. These things humbled me. I became very vile in my own eyes. I gave over striving; the pride of free will, the boast of mine own works were laid low; and as self was debased the Scriptures became an open book, and every page presented the Savior in new glories. Then were explained to me these truths which are now the very joy and life of my soul.
W. ROMAINE