Now you might ask, “How can I discern those four things in a girl when I can only get to a conference, or to a get-together such as this, a few times a year? It’s difficult to know such things in brief encounters.” Well, that’s a good question. To answer that, let’s turn over to Acts 15:4040And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God. (Acts 15:40) for a helpful principle that was given to me by Mr. Hayhoe. “And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.” Now, you might say, “How on earth could that have anything to do with this subject?” I believe the principle that is found in this verse is broad enough to apply in a number of situations—even to companionship in marriage. The point I want to make here is that Paul had the recommendation of his brethren in choosing Silas. That’s something that you want—the recommendation of the girl’s local brethren. They know her character and ways better than you do. Someone once said, “You can observe a lot by watching!” How true this is when it comes to discerning the character of a girl. You need to use your eyes, but not just your eyes—the eyes of faithful ones whose discernment you trust.
A girl might come out to a conference with a pen and a pad and show an interest, and you say to yourself, “Now that looks good!” However, if upon inquiring about her behaviour at home in her local gathering you find out that she comes to the meetings sporadically, and that she is not known for showing any particular interest in the Word of God—in fact, it’s the first time any one has ever seen her with a pad and pencil—you might do well to think again. How thankful we should be for faithful local brethren that will give the straight goods on someone in that gathering. You should ask their counsel; after all, they should want the best for you. And vice versa, this applies to a boy that might show an interest in one of you girls. Find out from the faithful local ones where he’s really at. They can give you input that will throw light on his true character.
There are at least three or four areas where you can look to discern a person’s character. Brother Hayhoe pointed out a number of these things to me, and I want to pass them on to you. I remember him telling the young men at his cottage over 25 years ago, that you must learn to read the index to a person’s character.
1) The Person’s Basic Demeanour and Attitude
Firstly, you can look at the person’s basic demeanour and attitude and discern some things. A character is formed by a habit being repeated over and over again. A reputation is gained by an act, but a character is built one layer at a time, until the person is known by something they do. We all have a character; you just need to learn how to read the index to a person’s character.
An example that comes to mind is that at a recent Bible reading in our local meeting, we were on that verse in 1st Peter 4 that talks about “a busybody,” and someone asked what a busybody was. The brethren, it seemed to me, looked into it for a deeper meaning than the Spirit of God intended. Several thoughts were advanced. They went around and around on it and tried to explain what a busybody was. Finally, I said, “I believe the meaning is right on the surface; a busybody is a busybody—it’s a person that goes around getting into other people’s business!” I said to a brother after the meeting that sometimes the meaning of a thing can be better understood by knowing a person’s character. That question about a busybody could have been answered simply by asking, “Do you know sister so and so?” You’d say, “Yeah, yeah, I know what it means now!” If you knew that sister you would know exactly what a busybody was. Now, I’m not picking on the sisters here; a busybody could be a brother too.
The point I’m making is that we all have a character—for good or for bad. And when it comes to this subject, we need to read the index to a person’s character to know what kind of a person they really are. I remember Mr. Hayhoe asking us to see something deeper in a girl that is, shall we say, aggressive—one who “chases” the boys. All we could see was that she was a forward girl that might be difficult to lead in a marriage. He got us to look beyond that to deeper things. He said that whether she knows it or not, what she is really doing is putting her hand up like a flag, and is as much as saying, “I just want you all to know that I don’t live by faith. I can’t trust the Lord to provide a husband for me, so I’m trying to get it done myself!” Now that opens quite a window into a girl’s character, and it gives a strong indication as to which way the wind is really blowing in her soul. If you were to marry that person, it will be the way she’ll deal with everything—unless she grows in her soul. She has never really learned to trust the Lord in the matters of life, so if difficulties come into the marriage, you can be sure that she is going to deal with them in that same way. Don’t expect her to be looking to the Lord and waiting on Him in a difficulty; it has not been the habit of her life.
Now, dear sisters, I’m not trying to convey the thought that you should make it difficult for a young man to approach you. I don’t mean that. You need to be accessible and available. You want to smile and not make it hard on the poor guy. You don’t want to cloister yourself among your friends and look down when any boy passes by. How do you expect a man to break through that? Have a little mercy!
2) The Person’s Circle of Friends
Secondly, you should look at the person’s circle of friends. Who are his or her companions? That will definitely tell you a lot of things. Proverbs 13:2020He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. (Proverbs 13:20) says, “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” Companionships consist of having mutual likes and dislikes. If a person walks with those who are known to have a bent in a certain way, it’s quite obvious that that person has those same interests. Are the person’s companions those who we described yesterday in Psalm 119:6363I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts. (Psalm 119:63), “A companion of all them that fear Thee, and of them that keep Thy precepts?” If he or she has such companions, they probably have similar exercises.
3) The Person’s Family
Thirdly, you should look at the person’s family. There is such a thing as family character. It tells us in Ezekiel 16:4444Behold, every one that useth proverbs shall use this proverb against thee, saying, As is the mother, so is her daughter. (Ezekiel 16:44), “As is the mother, so is her daughter.” We may not like that, but we are all characterized somewhat by our family background. And I would suggest for every young couple contemplating marriage that they read a short article by J. G. Bellett, called, “Family Character & Religion.” (It has been reprinted in booklet form; otherwise, it can be found in the back of his book called, “Woollen & Linen.”) It is an excellent read. When two people get married, there are two family characters that come together. Whether you like it or not, you are like your family in character; and the older we get the more it seems to come out in us.
Mr. Bellett shows in his book that we all have weak and strong family characteristics—some are positive, and some are negative. Our exercise should be to bring forward the good family characteristics into our marriage and family and to judge the bad family characteristics.
So, you can see that you really need to discern a person’s character. These are things that you want to weigh before the Lord, because you can get your wife out of the world, but you can’t always get the world out of your wife. And sisters, vice versa, you can go out and get a husband out of the world, but you can’t always get the world out of your husband. There is family character and baggage that comes with it. Dear sister, if no boys in the meeting are paying attention to you, the answer is not to go out and get a husband from somewhere else and to bring him into the meeting. I’ve seen too much of that. Usually, the guy doesn’t know what’s going on. As one brother put it, “He looks like he’s just along for the ride!” That kind of a relationship is a marriage “in Christ,” but it’s not a marriage “in the Lord.”
Now, as to this helpful principle in Acts 15:4040And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God. (Acts 15:40), “Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.” Those from the local gathering know a person a lot better than we who are from across the country. Therefore, you want to use their eyes (if they are faithful and godly) and go on their recommendation. The girl’s local brethren, who know her, are those who can help you discern her true character. I was helped by the recommendation of my brethren, and I have helped others in this important step—and you’ll be helped too. Proverbs 15:22The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. (Proverbs 15:2)2 Says, “Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.”