Companionship (Part 2): In Courtship & Marriage (Lassen Pines, CA - July 8, 2005)
Stanley Bruce Anstey
Table of Contents
Companionship in Courtship & Marriage: Introduction
(Lassen Pines, CA – July 9, 2005)
I would like to continue the subject we started yesterday regarding companionship. We have had what it is to be a companion of the Lord Jesus, and what it means to be a companion of Paul the apostle; we’ve also had the importance being a companion of all them that fear God and keep His precepts. Now I’d like to change gears a little bit and speak about companionship in marriage. I realize that I am not the most qualified person to speak on this subject; perhaps brothers older than myself would be better suited to it, but it does fit with the subject that we have had before us. Most of the things that I’m going to speak about here have been passed down to me from others (particularly from brother Gordon Hayhoe), and my exercise is to pass these guiding principles on to you.
Now, some of you here might be saying, “This doesn’t apply to me, because I’m not getting married.” You know there was a young man who once said that. He made a declaration that he wasn’t going to get married. He had devoted himself to the Lord and was going to keep himself free to wholly serve the Lord without distraction. He made quite a boast of it. Well, what happened was that he met a young sister that changed his mind! And that presented a problem, because he had been saying for quite awhile that he was not going to get married. So he went to a couple of his wise older brethren and asked them what they thought he should do. He said, “Everybody knows that I’ve said that I’d never get married; what should I do?” They thought about it for a moment, and then said, “Confess your boast to the Lord as a sin and go and marry the girl!” So if there are any young brothers here that are talking that way, don’t speak too fast; you don’t know what’s ahead in your life. I want to tell you that girls have a way of changing your mind—even after you’re married!
Most of you, I suspect, are looking for a mate, so I will address my remarks to such, though God may call some of you to be single, and that is a higher path yet, as Scripture states it (1 Cor. 7:37-38).
The Purpose of Marriage - Four Reasons
To begin with, let’s speak about the purpose of marriage. I’d like to give you four reasons why God has given it to us.
1) “A Helpmate”
Turn first of all to Genesis chapter 2, and verse 18, “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet [helpmate] for him.” And then in Malachi 2:14 it says, “Yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.” This is one purpose of marriage, and that is, to provide intimate companionship.
A marriage that is of the Lord definitely will be a companionship. Adam was alone in the garden, and the Lord looked upon it and said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” There is a loneliness that we experience being single that marriage meets. We know that Isaac, as an example, was “comforted” after his mother’s death by being married to Rebekah (Gen. 24:67).
God’s intention was that the woman should be a “helpmate, his like.” The idea here, is that there would be suitability. When God matches up two people in marriage, He suits them to one another’s needs. They will be two that think alike and walk together.
2) “To Avoid Fornication”
Secondly, 1st Corinthians 7:2 Says, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” Here we have another reason, and that is, to avoid getting into fornication. Now you might think that that is a rather low and base reason for marriage. And yes, it is perhaps the lowest of reasons, but it is a reason—and it is a Scriptural reason! I’m just waiting for the next young man to say (and I’ve heard it said), “Oh, who needs to get married; I’m not going to get married.” And I’m going to say, “Who needs to get married?—you do! YOU need to get married.” We know how we’re made, and we all have the flesh in us, and we all have those fallen instincts. God knows it well and has provided marriage to take care of us from getting off into sin as He mentions here.
3) “The Ministry of the Saints”
Thirdly, let’s look at 1st Corinthians 16:15-16, “I beseech you, brethren, (ye know the house of Stephanas, that it is the firstfruits of Achaia, and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints,) that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth.” Here was a man who had a household, which would mean that he had a wife, and I would assume children too, and perhaps servants as well, because the word for “house” here is larger than a man’s immediate family.
This “house of Stephanas” was marked out by the Apostle as being a model household that supported the testimony of the Lord in Corinth. It was used for the help and strengthening of the assembly in that locality. And I believe that this is another reason why God has given us marriage—to be a support for the Christian testimony. This aspect of marriage views it as a partnership in the service of the Lord. Priscilla and Aquila are an example of this (Acts 18:2-3, 24-28; Rom. 16:3-4; 1 Cor. 16:19; 2 Tim. 4:19). Younger brethren thinking about getting married should be exercised about this aspect of things. If the Lord leaves us here a little while longer, many of you will get married and will have a household; and we trust that it will be used for that purpose. We must not think only of the personal benefits that we get out of marriage (and there are plenty of them); we should also consider the side of things that would include the service of the Lord and the support of His testimony.
You know; if there weren’t this aspect of marriage, there would be no household, and without households it would be unlikely that there would be assemblies, because households are the backbone of assembly life. There is a great need in this area in the assemblies today. There are a number of gatherings all over the country; many of them are weak and few in number and need to be strengthened. You can be a great help in this area by having a solid marriage and a household that is wholly committed to the service of the Lord. We are thankful for those who have their homes open to the saints, and who support the testimony of the Lord in their locality. Gaius’ household, in 3 John 5-7, would be another example of this.
4) “Christ and the Church.”
A fourth purpose of marriage is given in Ephesians 5:25, 29-32, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it. ... For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.” I see here another beautiful purpose of marriage—and that is, to display a miniature picture of Christ and the Church. The way in which we behave in our Christian marriages should be a replica of Christ’s love for the Church, and the Church’s submission to Him. Of course, we fall short of it, but it should be our aim.
The Double Relationship in Christian Marriage -"My Sister, My Spouse."
Now, let’s go back to 1st Corinthians chapter 9 and verse 5: “Have we not power to lead about a sister, a wife?” And also in Song of Solomon it says 7 times, “My sister, my spouse.” These expressions indicate that there is a double relationship in a Christian marriage. There is both the natural and the spiritual. We have “a wife,” which would be the natural side of things, and we have “a sister,” which is the spiritual side of things. That means that my spouse is to me both a wife and a sister in the Lord. It is interesting to see that in those seven references in the Song of Solomon, and here in 1st Corinthians 9, that the “sister” is always mentioned before the “wife.” This tells me that the spiritual relationship should come first. It must be in place in our lives first before we can properly have the other. We must have right relations with the Lord before we can have right relations with one another.
There is also the natural side of things that cannot be overlooked. What I mean by this is that the Lord is not asking you to marry someone that you are not naturally attracted to. It would make marriage an uncomfortable relationship otherwise, and the Lord understands this, and has given us the natural side too. God has made us all different, and we all have different likes and dislikes. For myself—I like freckles! When I ran into the Albertson family I thought I was in heaven! But I found the Lord’s anointed, and I am very thankful for the natural as well as the spiritual in our marriage.
Marrying "In the Lord"
Now, let’s turn to 1st Corinthians 7:39, “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” It was those last three words that I wanted to speak about. The Christian marriage relationship is to be a relationship “in the Lord.” Paul has two expressions that he uses in his epistles; one is “in Christ,” and the other is “in the Lord.” It’s quite an instructive study to follow how and when he uses them.
“In Christ” designates our position before God. To be “in Christ,” which every believer is, is to be in Christ’s place before God as far as our individual acceptance is concerned. John’s epistle says, “As He is, so are we in this world” (1 John 4:17). As the Lord Jesus now is, resting in all the favour and acceptance of God at His right hand, so are we in that same place of acceptance, even though we are down here in this world. His acceptance is the measure of ours. On the other hand, “in the Lord,” refers to acknowledging the Lord’s authority over us in our lives in a practical way.
Note: Paul does not present Christian marriage as something that should be “in Christ” merely, but rather, “in the Lord!” This is something higher. All Christians are “in Christ,” but not all Christians live their lives “in the Lord.” If Paul had said, “Let her marry in Christ,” it would mean she was to marry another believer, and nothing more. It wouldn’t matter how that person was going on, just as long as it was another child of God. But he doesn’t put it on that level. Note also: he doesn’t say, “She is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only let it be in the meeting.” Why? I thought we are supposed to marry someone in the meeting. Paul doesn’t say that because it is quite possible to marry someone in the meeting and yet it might not be a marriage that is “in the Lord.” Just because someone is “in the meeting” doesn’t automatically mean that they are seriously trying to live under the Lordship of Christ. Hence, if a Christian marries another believer who is not necessarily going on with the Lord, it would be a marriage “in Christ,” but not a marriage “in the Lord.”
Dear young people, we want to see each one of you here at Lassen marry “in the Lord”—a marriage where both persons acknowledge the claims of the Lord in their lives. Then you’ll have a happy and fruitful marriage with the blessing of the Lord. In the last 30 or 40 years there has been much divorce in Christian marriages, and it’s because those marriages were not marriages “in the Lord.” The world has gotten in, in some way, and one partner, or both, may not be recognizing the Lord’s authority over them, and it has led to trouble.
Paul says, in verse 28, “Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.” This verse tells us that there can be “trouble in the flesh” in marriage. And it’s because there are two wills coming together, and sparks can fly at times. But what Paul is saying here is that there need not be that kind of trouble. He says that he can “spare” us. Now as we had in our last meeting, when Paul refers to himself it might just be a personal reference, but often it represents his doctrine—what he held and stood for. In this case, I believe that it is the latter. If people followed Paul’s teaching as to headship in marriage, they could be delivered from a lot of “trouble in the flesh.” We will not go into that now; but suffice it to be said that there is a remedy here in what Paul teaches for problems in the marriage relationship.
"Choosing" Versus "Finding"
Now, let’s turn to Psalm 25, and verse 12, “What man is he that feareth the LORD? Him shall He teach in the way that He shall choose.” And then in Proverbs 18:22, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.” We all know that the man should initiate the relationship, and that’s implied here. The idea of finding indicates that there has been a search or a pursuit. But notice, it is written from the masculine perspective. It says, “Whoso findeth a wife ... ” We don’t have a verse that says, “Whoso findeth a husband ... ” and you know the reason why; the woman is not to be the pursuer. The man is to initiate the relationship. Girls that are pursuers manifest certain things that the young men need to be aware of, of which we’ll talk about later.
To find a wife is to be the exercise of the young men who want to be married. But notice also, it doesn’t say “Whoso chooseth a wife ... ” It says, “Whoso findeth a wife ... ” Now, I know what is meant when we hear people say, “So and so has chosen a real nice girl.” But in Scripture we do not find that the man is to do the choosing. There is a difference between choosing and finding. The verse we read in Psalm 25 tells us that the Lord is the One Who does the choosing; the young man is to do the finding. A man goes out and finds the one that the Lord has chosen for him. I don’t mean that he is to go running around haphazardly from girl to girl until he finds the right one, but simply that he is to find the one that the Lord has for him.
There are two sides to it; there is God’s sovereignty, and there is man’s responsibility. On the sovereign side, the Lord does the choosing for you; on the responsible side, you do the finding. Who better than the Lord could choose a wife for you, dear brother? The Lord knows you better than anyone, including yourself, and He will choose exactly what you need in a girl. So, the Lord does the choosing, and you do the finding. That’s the Scriptural way.
The occasions where you find men choosing in the Bible, to my knowledge, are always in a bad sense. For instance, in Genesis 6 it says, “The sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.” But it was nothing but wickedness. Then you also have Samson choosing a wife; and that too did not have the Lord’s blessing. This means that you want to pray like the Psalmist, “Do Thou for me, O God” (Psa. 109:21).
If God has it in His purposes for you to get married, He has chosen one for you. This gives us great peace when we know that He is in complete control of the situation. It means that you don’t have to panic, thinking that somebody else is going to marry that girl before you. You don’t need to get all upset if you think that someone else is paying attention to the one you have been praying about. If she’s the one the Lord has chosen for you, something will happen whereby that other person will get out of the way. Knowing that the Lord has done the choosing, you can have confidence that He is going to take care of it.
There’s a little picture of this in Judges 20-21. The judgment of God had fallen on the tribe of Benjamin for its sin, and it was greatly reduced—down to 600 men! If that tribe was to continue in Israel, it needed reviving—and it needed it fast. The only way it could be replenished was by those men getting wives and starting households that would rebuild that tribe. The problem was that the judgment had been so thorough that there were no more Benjamite girls left! Furthermore, in the previous chapter the children of Israel had sworn that they would not give their daughters to these men to wife. They said, “Howbeit we may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin” (Judg. 21:18). The elders of Israel conferred together on the problem and suggested that they could get around the vow on a technicality. The men should go to the feast at Shiloh and hide in the vineyards; and when “the daughters of Shiloh” came out to “dance in dances,” they should “catch” every man his wife and take her back to the land of Benjamin. Then the children of Israel could say that they didn’t give the men of Benjamin wives of their daughters—they took them! And it says, “And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught” (Judg. 21:23). Notice, the elders did not suggest that they go to the Moabites or Philistines to get wives. Nor should we think about going to the world to get a wife. Scripture says, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14).
All this is instructive for us. As gathered to the Lord’s name, we, like the tribe of Benjamin, are weak and few in number on account of our own failure. We have had the hand of God upon us in governmental judgment. As a result, we have been reduced in number over and over again. In mercy, He has left some gatherings here and there scattered across the country and around the world. Our present exercise should be to “strengthen the things which remain” (Rev. 3:2). The assemblies desperately need to be replenished so that what is left will continue. And that can be done by the young men being exercised about having a household like Stephanas that would support the testimony of the Lord. To do this, of course, requires getting married and having a family.
When the children of Israel found the men of Benjamin, they were on “the rock Rimmon” not knowing what to do (Judg. 20:45-48). Those men answer to those today that take up this subject from the side of the sovereignty of God only; and consequently, they waited for God to do something. Similarly, there are men today who want to get married, but just sit, thinking that God will drop a girl out of heaven into their lap. They may call it waiting on God, but there is little or no exercise on their part. I am not belittling waiting on God, but if you take up things only from that side of things you’re going to end up like these 600 men who didn’t have a wife. Dear brother, there are two sides to this; there is God’s sovereignty in providing a wife, but there is also the aspect of our responsibility to “find” a wife. Dear young brothers, if you are to get married you need to be exercised about it and do the seeking.
The children of Israel sent for the men of Benjamin and called them to come down off “the rock Rimmon,” and do something about their situation. If you’ve been waiting for God to bring you a wife, you need to get off “the rock Rimmon,” so-to-speak! They were told to go to the yearly feast at Shiloh. This is typical of those occasions when God’s people gather together to feast on the Word and strengthen one another through happy fellowship—i.e., at a Bible conference, or a get-together like this at Lassen, that happens on a yearly basis. These are the places where you want to go to find a wife.
The lying in-wait at “the vineyards” would speak of staying under cover on such occasions until you spot the one that you believe the Lord has for you. You need to hide out there until the right time. Notice, they told them to take the girls that danced. This speaks of joy in the Lord. The kind of girl that you want is one who is evidently going on happily in the Lord. I remember a young brother hearing this, say, “OK, so we’re in the bushes ... ” The next day he came to me and said, “Brother, there’s a girl dancing in the bushes!” I said, “Oh dear, she’s getting a little aggressive!” Be careful with those who are a little aggressive; they might be that way in marriage, too.
When these men reached their objective and caught themselves a wife. it says, “They went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them” (Judg. 21:23). This is a picture of the exercise of building up and supporting the testimony of the Lord in the community from which we come, through having a household, wherein we serve the Lord.
Now, let’s turn to Psalm 19:5, “Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.” Isn’t this interesting. Here’s a man on his way to be “a bridegroom.” When you take up with a girl, that should be your objective—to be a bridegroom. There is no such thing in Scripture of taking up with someone just to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. No! the only reason you should show an interest in a girl is when you believe the Lord is leading you to the ultimate end of marriage. I’m not suggesting that the first time you talk to a girl that you mention marriage, but that you are beginning a journey toward that end. Casual boyfriend and girlfriend relationships are not found in Scripture. Many boys want to carry on that way, but it’s a sign that they don’t have confidence in God to declare their interest definitely; and, girls, it’s a spiritual weakness that you should take note of.
Note: this bridegroom-to-be starts in “his chamber.” This speaks of being before the Lord in prayer (Matt. 6:6). It shows that you don’t want to take this matter lightly. You must begin here. This is a big decision that will affect your whole life. Be much before the Lord about it. It has often been said that a wife can make or break a man.
As someone said earlier today, behind every good man is often a godly mother—and I would add, a good wife, too! Marriage is a serious thing. You don’t want to be like a brother (whom I will not name) who said, “They call us together for a conference of three days of prayer and humiliation, and ministry from the Word.” He said, “I’ll tell you what prayer and humiliation is; it’s when you go to a conference, and you pray about asking a girl out, but when you approach her, she turns you down! You do that for three days, and you’ve had quite a conference of prayer and humiliation!” I doubt if he was serious, but that’s not the way you want to take up this important matter in your life. You don’t want to just spot a girl, and flippantly ask her out, without prayer and counsel.
It also says, “As a strong man to run a race.” This man was on a mission. There are young men who may have an interest in a girl, but they can’t get the courage up to approach her. I don’t have much respect for those young men that won’t declare their cause. This man here was “a strong man” who didn’t pussyfoot around. You know, if you started in your closet in prayer (your “chamber”), and you come forth believing that the Lord has directed you to a particular girl, you would have the conviction to ask her out to a sing, or out for dinner, and get the ball rolling. And dear brother, the girl will respect you for it, too.
Furthermore, the fact that he was running implies that a courtship that leads to marriage isn’t a long-protracted thing. With the exception of Jacob (Gen. 29:18-20) who was living in the far country in his soul, so-to-speak, you’ll find that in the Bible, courtship and engagement are usually a short period. The Scriptures don’t support the idea of long engagements—perhaps if the girl is very young you might wait, but otherwise, it is a short period. Even in the picture of Christ and the Church, it is said to be a little while. Hebrews 10:37 says, “Yet a little while, and He that shall come will come, and will not tarry.” In J. N. Darby’s translation it says, “a very little while ... ” It may not seem like that, in fact it’s been almost 2000 years, but it is “a little while.” One reason that the Bible encourages short engagements is what we had in 1st Corinthians 7:1-2; the more we get familiar with one another, the greater the danger of sinning in that situation. We are never wiser than the Word of God; and it says, “He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool” (Prov. 28:26).
Four Things to Look for
Let’s turn to Genesis 24 to look at four things a brother should look for in a potential wife. This chapter, as you know, that is about Isaac getting a wife. We find that Abraham was exercised about his son having a wife, and naturally, he wanted the very best for him. What father wouldn’t? There are certain helpful principles found here that can guide a brother seeking a wife.
There was a servant that Abraham had who went out and secured this girl for Isaac. He is a type of the Spirit of God; and young people, I hope that you’ll let the Spirit of God find the right one for you. He makes no mistakes. This man takes the lead in this whole exercise; it’s a picture of the Spirit of God leading a young man to find the one that God has chosen for him.
1) “Go Unto My Country”—Compatibility
Read first of all, verses 3-4, “I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell: but thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.” He mentions “my country” and “my kindred,” and that speaks of compatibility. That’s the first thing you want to consider. Abraham wanted him to take a wife from the same family from which he came. Similarly, you want to marry someone that comes from the same family that you are from—the family of God. But more than that, you want to marry someone that is not only a child of God—but one who is compatible to you.
As much as possible, you want to seek compatibility in a marriage relationship; firstly in culture, because cross-culture marriages can be difficult. There could be more of that “trouble in the flesh” that we spoke about. Or in age: Mr. Hayhoe told us to try to marry someone roughly our own age. Or in religious background: a person that comes from a man-made religious system in Christendom may have some baggage. It’s been said that you can get your wife from “the camp,” but you may not always be able to get “the camp” out of your wife! Or, it might be in the physical department. You want to be matched in that way too—i.e., tall, or short. And even socially: it could be a difficult marriage where a poor man marries a girl from a rich family—she’s used to having a lot, which he will not be able to provide. Such things can put stress on a marriage—and that means that you want to seek compatibility in these areas as much as possible.
It’s very important that you find someone—a “soul mate” if you want to call it that—a companion, among those who have “like precious faith” as you do (2 Peter 1:1). It always bothers me when I see someone going out and looking for a wife or husband in other Christian fellowships—or maybe even in the world, because I know that it’s going to be difficult in the area of compatibility.
Be careful that you look, so-to-speak, within your own tribe. That’s an expression taken from Numbers 36, where the children of Israel were told to marry within their own tribe. Applying that to ourselves typically, as Christians, it would be to marry within our own fellowship—in other words, among those gathered to the Lord’s Name.
In that chapter, it’s interesting to see that when it came to inheriting the land, the five “daughters of Zelophehad” each received a portion, which was quite unusual. Normally, the inheritance in Israel was divided among the boys in the family, and the girls were expected to marry a man who would have his own portion from his father. But since these girls didn’t have any brothers, the inheritance of their father came to them. That meant that the boys who married them got a double portion—they would have their portion from their father, and these girls would also have a portion. I would say that it made them very marriageable girls—even though one of them was named “Hoglah!” I’m not sure what she looked like, but the boy that married her got a double portion. You can read about it in Joshua 17:5-6. There were “ten portions” that fell to Manasseh because of the daughters of Zelophehad.
Speaking to the young brothers now; if you take up with girls that are from the meeting, who are spiritual and are seeking to go on with the Lord, you are going to get a double portion. They are going to bring into the marriage something that they have learned from their experience in walking with the Lord, and that’s going to be valuable. Don’t miss out on that. If you have taken some of the inheritance yourself, and the girl you marry has a portion too, what a wonderful marriage that will be! Look to the Lord—He’ll guide you in this important decision.
2) “A Well of Water”—Interest in the Word of God
Secondly, it says in verses 10-11, “And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor. And he made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water.” What we see here is that the man was looking for a girl that would come out to the “well” to “draw water.” A “well,” in Scripture, is typical of a gathering place of the saints. They come there to draw refreshment for their souls from the water of the Word (Eph. 5:26). What this teaches us then is that we should be looking for a girl that comes out to the meetings with an interest in the Word of God. Bible conferences and occasions like this at Lassen Pines are examples of saints gathering at a “well” to draw water. These are good places to look for a suitable helpmate. Note too that this girl came to the well with a pitcher; it shows that she was intending to take something away with her. All this adds up to a girl that has a serious interest in divine things.
3) “The Servant Ran to Meet Her”—Submissive
Thirdly, in verses 17-18, “And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher. And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.” Note here, it was the man that initiated things. She didn’t run to him. It was he that ran to her. Note also, she called him “lord.” Furthermore, she didn’t run ahead of things and straightway invite him home to her father’s house; she let her brother do it (vs. 31). These things indicate that Rebekah was a girl that knew her God-given place. She had a submissive, leadable spirit, and that’s another thing that you should be looking for in a girl.
Now, I’m not suggesting that a girl should call an interested young man, “lord,” but that she should give him that place of lord, or leader, in the relationship. It’s true that the model in the New Testament for a Christian woman is Sarah, who called Abraham “lord” (1 Peter 3:6), but it was in her heart that she did that; it was not to him audibly. It indicates the respect she had for him. The question you need to ask is, “Is she leadable?” How are you going to lead a girl that is not submissive? Proverbs 7 speaks of a woman that is “unmanageable” (J. N. Darby Trans.). An old brother once said, “You can marry your discipline!” I don’t know whether he was speaking from experience or not, but it’s certainly true. We’ve seen some sorrowful marriages, so you want to be careful here. The world teaches a woman to be quite the opposite of this, but worldliness in a woman is not something desirable.
4) “I Will Draw Water for Thy Camels”—Industrious
Now, for the fourth thing to look for, as seen in Rebekah, read verses 19-21, “And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking. And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again unto the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels. And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.” The point here, is that the girl was willing to draw water for all ten of the man’s camels! I read somewhere that camels can drink something like 250 lbs. of water in 10-15 minutes! We see from this that Rebekah was industrious, and that’s another thing you want to look for. She was no lazy girl. She was not a “princess” that wanted everything to be done for her. There are girls marked by wanting to be ministered unto all the time, but what you’re looking for is a girl who is willing to work—one that knows what it is to put her shoulder to the burden.
Titus 2:5 says that the younger women should be, “diligent in home work” (J. N. Darby Trans.). This will be especially needed in your service for the Lord in supporting the testimony in your local assembly as a husband and wife. To have a family, and to have your house open, and people in, requires work. But if it furthers the testimony of the Lord and encourages the saints, it’s a good work.
To summarize these things you are to look for:
• Compatible.
• Interested in divine things.
• Submissive.
• Industrious.
Note: he was not trying to find the prettiest girl, or the most knowledgeable girl. No, it was these four things that he sought, and they are what you should seek too. “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3)
Discerning Character
Now you might ask, “How can I discern those four things in a girl when I can only get to a conference, or to a get-together such as this, a few times a year? It’s difficult to know such things in brief encounters.” Well, that’s a good question. To answer that, let’s turn over to Acts 15:40 for a helpful principle that was given to me by Mr. Hayhoe. “And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.” Now, you might say, “How on earth could that have anything to do with this subject?” I believe the principle that is found in this verse is broad enough to apply in a number of situations—even to companionship in marriage. The point I want to make here is that Paul had the recommendation of his brethren in choosing Silas. That’s something that you want—the recommendation of the girl’s local brethren. They know her character and ways better than you do. Someone once said, “You can observe a lot by watching!” How true this is when it comes to discerning the character of a girl. You need to use your eyes, but not just your eyes—the eyes of faithful ones whose discernment you trust.
A girl might come out to a conference with a pen and a pad and show an interest, and you say to yourself, “Now that looks good!” However, if upon inquiring about her behaviour at home in her local gathering you find out that she comes to the meetings sporadically, and that she is not known for showing any particular interest in the Word of God—in fact, it’s the first time any one has ever seen her with a pad and pencil—you might do well to think again. How thankful we should be for faithful local brethren that will give the straight goods on someone in that gathering. You should ask their counsel; after all, they should want the best for you. And vice versa, this applies to a boy that might show an interest in one of you girls. Find out from the faithful local ones where he’s really at. They can give you input that will throw light on his true character.
There are at least three or four areas where you can look to discern a person’s character. Brother Hayhoe pointed out a number of these things to me, and I want to pass them on to you. I remember him telling the young men at his cottage over 25 years ago, that you must learn to read the index to a person’s character.
1) The Person’s Basic Demeanour and Attitude
Firstly, you can look at the person’s basic demeanour and attitude and discern some things. A character is formed by a habit being repeated over and over again. A reputation is gained by an act, but a character is built one layer at a time, until the person is known by something they do. We all have a character; you just need to learn how to read the index to a person’s character.
An example that comes to mind is that at a recent Bible reading in our local meeting, we were on that verse in 1st Peter 4 that talks about “a busybody,” and someone asked what a busybody was. The brethren, it seemed to me, looked into it for a deeper meaning than the Spirit of God intended. Several thoughts were advanced. They went around and around on it and tried to explain what a busybody was. Finally, I said, “I believe the meaning is right on the surface; a busybody is a busybody—it’s a person that goes around getting into other people’s business!” I said to a brother after the meeting that sometimes the meaning of a thing can be better understood by knowing a person’s character. That question about a busybody could have been answered simply by asking, “Do you know sister so and so?” You’d say, “Yeah, yeah, I know what it means now!” If you knew that sister you would know exactly what a busybody was. Now, I’m not picking on the sisters here; a busybody could be a brother too.
The point I’m making is that we all have a character—for good or for bad. And when it comes to this subject, we need to read the index to a person’s character to know what kind of a person they really are. I remember Mr. Hayhoe asking us to see something deeper in a girl that is, shall we say, aggressive—one who “chases” the boys. All we could see was that she was a forward girl that might be difficult to lead in a marriage. He got us to look beyond that to deeper things. He said that whether she knows it or not, what she is really doing is putting her hand up like a flag, and is as much as saying, “I just want you all to know that I don’t live by faith. I can’t trust the Lord to provide a husband for me, so I’m trying to get it done myself!” Now that opens quite a window into a girl’s character, and it gives a strong indication as to which way the wind is really blowing in her soul. If you were to marry that person, it will be the way she’ll deal with everything—unless she grows in her soul. She has never really learned to trust the Lord in the matters of life, so if difficulties come into the marriage, you can be sure that she is going to deal with them in that same way. Don’t expect her to be looking to the Lord and waiting on Him in a difficulty; it has not been the habit of her life.
Now, dear sisters, I’m not trying to convey the thought that you should make it difficult for a young man to approach you. I don’t mean that. You need to be accessible and available. You want to smile and not make it hard on the poor guy. You don’t want to cloister yourself among your friends and look down when any boy passes by. How do you expect a man to break through that? Have a little mercy!
2) The Person’s Circle of Friends
Secondly, you should look at the person’s circle of friends. Who are his or her companions? That will definitely tell you a lot of things. Proverbs 13:20 says, “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” Companionships consist of having mutual likes and dislikes. If a person walks with those who are known to have a bent in a certain way, it’s quite obvious that that person has those same interests. Are the person’s companions those who we described yesterday in Psalm 119:63, “A companion of all them that fear Thee, and of them that keep Thy precepts?” If he or she has such companions, they probably have similar exercises.
3) The Person’s Family
Thirdly, you should look at the person’s family. There is such a thing as family character. It tells us in Ezekiel 16:44, “As is the mother, so is her daughter.” We may not like that, but we are all characterized somewhat by our family background. And I would suggest for every young couple contemplating marriage that they read a short article by J. G. Bellett, called, “Family Character & Religion.” (It has been reprinted in booklet form; otherwise, it can be found in the back of his book called, “Woollen & Linen.”) It is an excellent read. When two people get married, there are two family characters that come together. Whether you like it or not, you are like your family in character; and the older we get the more it seems to come out in us.
Mr. Bellett shows in his book that we all have weak and strong family characteristics—some are positive, and some are negative. Our exercise should be to bring forward the good family characteristics into our marriage and family and to judge the bad family characteristics.
So, you can see that you really need to discern a person’s character. These are things that you want to weigh before the Lord, because you can get your wife out of the world, but you can’t always get the world out of your wife. And sisters, vice versa, you can go out and get a husband out of the world, but you can’t always get the world out of your husband. There is family character and baggage that comes with it. Dear sister, if no boys in the meeting are paying attention to you, the answer is not to go out and get a husband from somewhere else and to bring him into the meeting. I’ve seen too much of that. Usually, the guy doesn’t know what’s going on. As one brother put it, “He looks like he’s just along for the ride!” That kind of a relationship is a marriage “in Christ,” but it’s not a marriage “in the Lord.”
Now, as to this helpful principle in Acts 15:40, “Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.” Those from the local gathering know a person a lot better than we who are from across the country. Therefore, you want to use their eyes (if they are faithful and godly) and go on their recommendation. The girl’s local brethren, who know her, are those who can help you discern her true character. I was helped by the recommendation of my brethren, and I have helped others in this important step—and you’ll be helped too. Proverbs 15:22 Says, “Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.”
Faith to Take the Step
That leads me to another thing—the need for faith to take the step. If remaining on “the rock Rimmon” might answer to staying at home in your locality waiting on the sovereignty of God in this matter, lying in wait in “the vineyards” at “the feast of the LORD in Shiloh” would speak of going to the special gatherings of the saints (i.e., conferences), but not doing anything. Young men, you need to get off the “rock,” and out of the “bushes” to claim a victory! You might be saying, “But I’m too scared to come out of the bushes; I don’t want to make a mistake in this important decision in life.” That’s understandable; but sitting on the “rock” is not the answer either! It’s not acting in faith.
Remember, the man in Genesis 24 who was seeking a wife for Isaac said, “I being in the way, the LORD led me ... ” (Gen. 24:27). That means that he got help and leading from the Lord when he was in the way seeking. He was acting in faith, and moving forward step by step, and he found that the Lord was moving with him to make his journey prosperous. God honours faith. If you take a step in faith, you’ll find that the Lord will open the way. But to do nothing is not faith; and it makes us wonder what kind of an inner life you have with the Lord. If you had the inner life of the man in Psalm 19, who came forth from his “chamber,” you’d have the needed conviction to come out and claim a victory. And, believe me, the girl will respect you for having that kind of conviction too!
If you’re still worried about making a mistake, let me give you a principle from a chapter that Mr. Hayhoe gave to us that was a great help to me. In Genesis 20, a man named “Abimelech” saw a woman that he desired to have as his wife; and he made movements toward her. But he didn’t know that she was another man’s wife! He was making a big mistake and was going in a totally wrong direction. But we find that because he was acting in the integrity of his heart, God stepped in and preserved him. We can count on the Lord doing the same for us! This is God’s fail-safe for you faint-hearted young men! God honours faith, and if you are acting in faith—in the integrity of your heart—but are taking wrong steps, He will intervene and protect you from making a mistake in your life. What a provision of grace!
Inward & Outward Beauty
We have been speaking predominately to the young brothers here, but now I’d like to say a few words to the sisters. Let’s turn over to Proverbs 31:30, “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.” Then turn to Psalm 45:13. “The king’s daughter is all glorious within.” We have two things here: the outward and the inward beauty. Scripture does not put emphasis on outward beauty, though we often do. I have noticed that a girl that puts a lot of energy into the outward side of things often neglects the inner beauty of which Psalm 45 speaks.
I don’t want you to get the idea that Scripture teaches that you shouldn’t be concerned about how you look. It does not encourage a girl to look dowdy. You should seek to look nice and presentable. And that may mean different things to different people, but after all, marriage is a natural thing that involves natural attraction. That means that you want to look attractive, but it doesn’t mean that you have to go to the world and its adornments to look good.
What’s most important is what is within. Isn’t that a lovely verse, “The king’s daughter is all glorious within!” She had an inward beauty. An older sister said to my wife years ago, “If a girl is not beautiful at 16 years of age, it’s not her fault; but when she’s 60 years old, and she is not beautiful, it is her fault!” If a person goes on and walks with the Lord, there will be a moral beauty that will be formed in the individual that will emanate to all around. When youthful beauty disappears with age, what is left is what the person truly is. If one has not been walking in submission to the Lord, that beauty will not be there. The emphasis in the world is on what is outward, but you want to pay attention to what is inward. The Scripture says, “The hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter 3:4). It might not be of value to this world, or to the worldly Christian man that’s rather shallow spiritually, but it’s “of great price” to God! And godly men will value it too.
Nor should a sister think that after she gets married, that she can just let herself go, and not be concerned about how she looks. Scripture speaks about keeping the “bed” “green” (Song of Solomon 1:16). That refers to keeping the relationship fresh. Just because you get married doesn’t mean that your husband ceases to appreciate an attractive woman. I remember Pearl Hayhoe telling me that she always sought to freshen up and put on a different dress to look her best before Gordon got home from the office. He worked in an office where the women were dressed to the “nines”—they were all “dazzled” up. For a man to come out of that environment and go home to a woman that has let herself go might make for problems in the marriage.
Now, some of you girls might look at some of the others here that are strikingly beautiful and think that they have an unfair advantage. But I don’t know if I would agree with you. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, the girls that are naturally beautiful—and there are many of them here—seem to attract a certain kind of man that is usually quite shallow. So I think that a girl that is strikingly beautiful is somewhat disadvantaged; because, nine times out of ten, that’s the kind of person that usually approaches her. The girls who are more average looking oftentimes have a better chance of getting a godly husband. So I kind of pity you dear sisters who are so beautiful—I really do! You have to deal with these guys that are usually only out for the outward side of things.
Now, just a comment on your hair. The Bible says that a woman’s hair is “a glory to her” (1 Cor. 11:15), but I don’t think many Christian women believe it. It’s a fact that long flowing hair is attractive to males. If you don’t believe me, why do so many women of the world who are out to attract men have longer flowing hair? Take the women that are supposedly the most beautiful; look at those girls that are used in advertising auto parts, etc.—where men are most likely to shop—they all have a flowing hairstyle. Now why do you think that they do that? It’s because they know from experience that it’s attractive to men. But strange as it is, many Christian women don’t seem to know it. They want to look attractive, so they go and cut their hair off! It doesn’t make sense! I tell you, “the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light” (Luke 16:8). By cutting off your hair, you’re only diminishing your beauty. (Now, I know that some women have very thin hair, and as they get older, they can’t wear it very long, but I’m not talking about that.) So if you want to look your best, let your hair flow down onto your shoulders. Believe me, it’s attractive!
I’m not saying that you should try to look worldly. My-sister-in-law used to say, “You get purchased by those to whom you advertise!” If you get yourself all “decked out” in a worldly way, you’ll attract a worldly guy. If you dress provocatively and immodestly, you’re going to attract the flesh in a man—and a fleshly guy will be the one who will approach you. Dear sister, is that what you want? No! you want a husband that has some spiritual depth to him—a man that you can look to with respect. So, be careful when those kind of guys come around and pay attention to you—you know what I mean, the kind of guy that just slouches back in the chair and doesn’t pay much attention to the man speaking in the Bible meeting. Maybe he’ll turn to the first Scripture reference, and maybe to the second, but after a while he doesn’t even turn to them. Maybe halfway through the meeting he’s reading something else—like that little booklet of names that Mr. Porter has been distributing. Don’t laugh; I’ve seen it!
Dear sister, when that kind of a guy comes around, be careful, he’s not really interested in the Lord’s things, and he’ll probably turn out to be a poor husband that won’t provide any real spiritual leadership. You don’t want to wind up with a guy that is as carnal as a goat! How are you going to raise a godly family with that kind of a man taking the lead in the household? He’ll be the kind of person that will put a lot of emphasis on natural things, but then will be quiet as a mouse when divine subjects come up in conversation. He may be a real “cool” looking guy, but you’ll pay the price for it in the long run. I’ve noticed that there are fewer problem marriages when the husband and wife are spiritual people. Don’t settle for anything less than a godly man.
Now, as you wait for “Mr. Right”—a spiritual man, worldly men at work or school might approach you, and of course, you need to decline such advances. Scripture is clear about that; “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14). God will give you the grace to do it. I know a sister that when she went to school and college, boys would approach her and want to take her out, and she would refuse their advances. Finally, one of them asked her why she didn’t want to go out with anybody. And she explained that she didn’t go out with boys from the world. He looked at her and asked, “If you don’t with guys from this world, who do you go out with then? Is it only guys from Mars?” He didn’t understand what she meant, but she wasn’t going to end up with that kind of a man for a husband.
Now, just a closing comment on getting discouraged. I’m sure that it can get awfully discouraging as you wait for the boys to get off “the rock Rimmon,” and stop hanging around in the “bushes” at the conferences. Maybe you look around and think that there just aren’t many men that are like the man in Psalm 19, who came forth out of his chamber with conviction. (We certainly need more young men like that. We see them praying in the prayer meeting here, and that’s good, but I hope they’re praying in their chamber about taking a wife as well.) Sisters, just remember, the devil would like to make use of any opportunity he can get to discourage you. You don’t want to get to the point where one sister got, when she said, “Men are like parking spaces at a mall; all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped!” Just wait on the Lord.
He knows, He sees, He hears,
Nothing this truth shall dim,
He gives the very best,
To those who leave the choice to Him.
One last comment; Mr. Walt Gill used to tell us, “It’s better to be single than to wish you were!” Sad to say, there are some unhappy marriages out there. And, as I said earlier, “You can marry your discipline!” So, be careful as you proceed. You want to go into it with the Lord.
My wife and I desire nothing but the very best for each one of you; we really do. I have a difficulty mixing with all of you—I’m not like Jim here, who just goes right up to all of you and speaks to you on a first name basis. I haven’t talked to every last one of you personally, but I do pray for you, and we do care for you. We want you to have a happy marriage that will be for the support of the testimony of the Lord. When we see a relationship begin, we will often say to each other, “Now that’s a good one.” Because we know that both of you are really walking “in the Lord.” But sometimes, when we see a rather careless young man take up with a fairly godly girl, we say, “She could have done better.” But from the young man’s side, we’ll say, “He did very well, to get her!” So you see, we’re on both sides. We want the best for both of you. May God give you the grace to do His will.
B. Anstey
(Adapted)
First Printed Edition – July 2005
Printed Version – 1.1
Printed in Canada
First eBook Edition – May 2021
eBook Version – 1.2
Note: all Scriptures quoted are from either the King James Version (KJV)
or the J. N. Darby Translation, unless otherwise noted.
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