I WISH to give an account of God’s great I goodness and patience in seeking out a lost sheep, which had strayed very far from Him, trusting that it may be used to bring some soul out of darkness into light.
I was brought up by one, who was hall Roman Catholic and half Protestant, and was taught to repeat frequently a short prayer to the Virgin Mary, which I do not now remember. However, I have not forgotten the children’s hymn, “Gentle Jesus, meek and mild,” which I also repeated, and of which I am still very fond.
My earliest recollections are of seasons of spiritual darkness and misery, followed by attempts at reformation. As a little girl I went to Sunday school and to church, but I am afraid my pleasure in going to the school was that I might join in the treat, and to church, in order to show off a new frock! Though I thus learned something of religion, I do not remember having God’s wonderful plan of salvation clearly explained to me.
When about twelve or thirteen years old we left the neighborhood in which we then lived, and very soon I gave up going to church, and, by degrees, I became an infidel―not openly, because I did not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I went so far as to doubt the existence of God, and of course did not believe the Bible.
About three years since, I was staying in a little village, and, for the sake of appearances, attended the church service, and heard a sermon on “Faith.” I listened attentively, because I maintained it was impossible to have faith in things not seen, and was curious to hear how the clergyman would bring out his point. He took up that question, and said, he “knew how very difficult it was to have faith, but that we should pray that it might be given.” I pondered over his words on the way home, and looking at the trees, and flowers, and grass, became convinced that there must be a great Creator, and decided that I would pray for faith, and, if God heard prayer, surely He would give it.
As time went on, my belief in God strengthened, but I was afraid to read the Bible. On my return from the country I continued to go to church, and one Sunday, the clergyman, having asked for the names of the candidates for confirmation, my father sent in mine, and I had to join the classes. This was another link in the chain of God’s purpose of blessing for my soul, for we were told to pray for the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit, and I did so, though not knowing in the least what I meant. How many of the people, who stand up Sunday after Sunday, and say, “I believe in the Holy Ghost,” know what they mean?
I grew worse spiritually after the confirmation; I tried to be good, but the more I tried, the worse I got, until I found that without God’s grace I should be ever utterly bad. I know now that that was just what God was bringing me to, so that, I might realize that I was a lost sinner.
About this time, I attended some educational lectures with a friend, who was a Christian, though she had never spoken to me of salvation. I said to her that it was very wrong of people to be confident, for no one could know he was saved until after death. My friend saw that I was in darkness, but said little except that she would pray for me. I was rather surprised at this answer, for I could not see what need there was to pray for me, nor, indeed, what her prayer could do for me. Very soon after, a dear friend came to stay with me for a day or two. She had just been to a conference for Christians, about which she was most enthusiastic, and spoke of the rich blessing God had given there. I could not understand her at all, and felt sadly that her joy was that of which I knew nothing. The next day, when alone in my room, thinking over her words, I received myself from God the favor of salvation. It is simply impossible to describe my joy; all I know is that there seemed to be an invisible presence with me. “The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.”
When the Holy Spirit came to me I was like the blind man who said, “Whereas I was blind, now I see.” When I told my experience to the friend, whose joy in the Lord had aroused me, she was full of praise to God, and said she had been praying earnestly for me.
The first thing I did was to read my Bible, which I had not opened for three years. How splendid it was to read it in the new-given light! I had not had a great conviction of sin beforehand, but I had long felt that I was a sinner, and now, when I read of the great sufferings of my dear Saviour, I felt how utterly unworthy I was of such love. I used to think it would be impossible to love Christ better than my father, but I know better now, and my one wish is to please and serve Him.
Up to this time I had been very fond of worldly pleasures; now I am so happy that I have no wish for anything of the kind—in fact, my delight is to hear of Christ and to work for Him. Of course, I told all my friends what great things the Lord had done for me; some rejoiced and others could not understand. F. M.