Understanding, Love and Respect in Marriage
Gordon Henry Hayhoe
Table of Contents
Understanding, Love and Respect in Marriage
The Secret of a Happy Marriage
“Two are better than one... and a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Eccl. 4:9,12). Here we find the secret of a happy marriage. We know that God planned it before sin entered the world. God said that it was not good for man to be alone, “I will make him an help meet for him” (Gen. 2:18). God is the One who provided a companion, a wife for Adam; not to be above or below him, but from his side, near to his heart: one who could share his thoughts, and whom he could love and honor. Then, when husband and wife let God order their lives they will have the threefold cord.
God did not intend that men and women should be in competition. He intended that they should help one another: each in a God-given place. He placed the man in a position of helpful leadership to care for his wife, his loving helpmeet. A man, who, in his marriage, has a happy life, and a really useful one, will gladly acknowledge that much-if not most-of the credit is due to his helpful wife. And this is God's plan. What is spoiling the world today is the idea of competition. Many women are out to show what they can do in the sphere that God planned for the men to occupy. Now we can be sure that God would not make a help meet for Adam who was inferior to him; but if she was going to compete with him in the headship assigned to him, then she would not be a help meet for him. They would always be striving with each other about who was going to be on top, instead of enjoying together the loving relationship, which God had planned.
In our present society, where God's plan has been given up to a large extent, everything is being spoiled. A man cannot fill a woman's place. But a woman often, because she is intellectually equal to a man, can fill a man's place, though not fitted by God for leadership (Isa. 3:12). This then leaves an empty void in the home. The home, then, does not function, as it should, because the man cannot fill the place of a woman and mother in the home. This often affects the assembly as well, for the order in the home reflects in the assembly (1 Tim. 3:12). In God's plan we see how He ordered things so that there would be a happy relationship—each one, man and wife, complementing (or, completing) the other. We readily acknowledge that a woman is as clever as a man (more clever in her God-given sphere) because God wanted a qualified person and a loving person in the home. And He has provided women who are able to adorn that place with prudence and dignity—a wonderful place, a God-given place; and so important.
Heavenly Wisdom for a Christian Marriage
Of course we do not expect the world to be run on Christian principles. But we do trust that we who are Christians will follow the light of God's Word, because in it He has given us “all things that pertain unto life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). God's wisdom is far beyond the wisdom of man, for it comes from the One in whom “we live, and move, and have our being” (Acts 17:28). He planned for men and women to occupy their respective places in His creation, for, “His delights were with the sons of men” (Prov. 8:31). If we follow God's Word we will find the happy path (Prov. 3:17). God is most concerned about the salvation of our souls, and at great cost to Himself He has provided for this; but He is also concerned about everything in our lives. When He placed Adam and Eve on the earth He had already made an endless variety of plants in all their beautiful colors, and such a variety of fruits and tastes, which they could enjoy together as head of the earthly creation, in obedience to Him. He only gave them one command, as recognition that they acknowledge Him as Supreme. He Himself planted the garden of Eden for them. Now, though sin has entered, He still cares for man—sending “rain from heaven and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness” (Acts 14:17). Should we not then follow the wisdom of the God who loves us and has said, “In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths?” (Prov. 3:6). He has a plan so that husband and wife should be “heirs together of the grace of life,” (1 Peter 3:7), even in a world that has been spoiled by sin.
Selfishness in Marriage
I believe the greatest trouble in marriage today is selfishness. If in marriage I am only thinking of what I can get for myself, I may be disappointed; because things may not always work out as I had hoped they would. But I can try to make my partner happy, and in making my partner happy we are going to have happiness together. Think of how in the courtship days we found so much pleasure in doing things to please one another. This brings happiness to marriage too! Marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement. It is that the husband should be 100% for the good and happiness of his wife, and the wife 100% for the good and happiness of her husband; then both should be 100% together to give the Lord His rightful place. It will never work out on a 50-50 basis, for it will always turn out 51 and 49, then 60-40; and you will hear the expression, “I am not getting what I should out of our marriage.” Am I giving? That is what brings happiness. The Lord Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). If I could just think of this, “Can I do something to make my partner happy? Can we walk together giving the Lord His rightful place?” This is God's plan—and it works!
Understanding, Love and Honor
Now, with the Lord's help, I would like to show how a happy marriage is founded on three very important things. Of course to know the Lord Jesus as Savior and to desire to please Him are first and foremost; but I am speaking of practical things in marriage. The three things I have in mind are: understanding, love and giving honor to your partner. These things are basic. We need to understand one another; there needs to be a deep love for one another, and there needs to be a respect and honor to, and for one another. If any unmarried person is reading these lines, I would say to you that if you are contemplating marriage, these things should be carefully considered in your courtship, for the Bible says, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3) After marriage these things have to be worked at. They do not continue without effort. They need to be maintained. We know the Lord reminds us over and over again of how He understands us, of His love and care for us, and how in a coming day He will give us a place of honor in association with Himself—reigning together with Him.
I would like, first of all, to notice some verses that speak of how the Lord understands all about us. “O Lord, Thou has searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, Thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, Thou knowest it altogether. Thou has beset me behind and before and laid Thine hand upon me. My substance was not hid from Thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being imperfect; and in Thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there were none of them” (Psa. 139:1-5,15-16).
Understanding in Marriage
These verses speak of understanding in the divine example. Does the Lord understand us perfectly? I enjoy these verses because they being before us how the Lord knows all about our physical and emotional makeup. He watched our bodies being formed. Indeed, He formed them! He knows all about us, and the background of our lives. He watched us from our childhood and has seen everything we have done. He even knows our thoughts, so He fully understands us as no one else could. What a wonderful things this is — that we have One who is the Bridegroom of the Church and He knows all about us. What a Pattern for us! I have found that one of the things people crave most is understanding: they say, “I don't know anyone to whom I can talk who really understands my inmost feelings, who understands my situation in life, my physical and emotional makeup. If I could only find someone to whom I could talk who would understand.” The Lord understands us perfectly.
And so in marriage, to understand one another is so very important. We need to have a free flow of communication so that this understanding of one another is maintained. We need to understand one another's feelings, emotions, and physical limitations, so that we can consider them. The Lord does this most perfectly with us, even in the smallest details of our lives, as we learn from this 139th Psalm—and He is our Pattern.
All of us, whether we like to admit it or not, have family backgrounds that are quite different. That is why when two people come together in marriage there is a time of adjustment. We have been accustomed to living in a certain way, and now two lives are brought together. We have to learn to understand and bear with one another, and perhaps, find out that our partner's way is the best. Patience is required: and how patient the Lord is with us! Isn't it wonderful that we have this perfect Pattern who is always right, who does everything right, and now invites to, “pour out our hearts before Him” (Psa. 62:8). You know the feeling that comes when you can sit down and talk to someone and have the assurance that they understand, and that they care. This should always be so between husband and wife. It is not always easy, but we need to cultivate it. It is in perfection with the Lord, and that is why we are so happy in His presence; for, knowing all about us, he loves us with an unchanging love. May we cultivate more of this understanding and love in marriage!
Loving Our Partner in Marriage
Now I would like to turn to some verses about the divine example of unchanging love! “The Lord appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee” (Jer. 31:3). “Having loved His own which were in the world, He loved them unto the end” (John 13:1). “Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it” (Eph. 5:25).
The verse in Jeremiah was spoken when Israel had sinned so grievously, that God had to raise up Jeremiah to tell them that they were going to be carried into captivity because of their rebellion and sin. It was not spoken when they were going on well, although, I am sure it was true then; yet the Lord assures them of His eternal love in a time of failure. What an example for us to maintain first love at all times in marriage!
The verse in John 13 was at a sad time with the disciples too, for it was on that very night when they all forsook Him and fled. He knew they would do this, but it did not change His love.
Lastly, in Ephesians 5, we read of His love for His church—and He well knew how feeble would be our response to His boundless love. So in marriage, love often needs to be expressed, and at times when it is least deserved. That is what true love will do. It does not change by situations that arise, because true love “endureth all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). It is something that God has put in the heart, for I might say that love originated in the heart of God—”God is love” (1 John 4:16). It did not originate in us at all. The Bible says, “We love, because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19 JND). As the head, it is first the husband's responsibility to maintain love in the marriage, just as the Lord does with us. It is not only on the wedding day that we say we love one another, or in the first year of marriage—it is something that needs to be said over and over again all through married life. We need those constant reassurances of love. Was it only when we were saved that we were assured of the Lord's love? Or is it not over and over again that we have those fresh assurances of His unchanging eternal love? We go to the Assembly meetings, or we read His Word at home, and, over and over again we are reminded of the love of God revealed in Christ; and a fresh response is stirred within us. Let us not forget these reassurances to one another! It makes me think of the little ditty: “Do you love me or do you not, you told me once, but I forgot!”
Honoring Our Partner
Now we come to the third thing—honor to our partner. In the divine example it is a marvelous thing that we read in Ephesians 1:22-23, that the church is “the fullness of Him that filleth all in all.” And again, in 2 Thessalonians 1:10, that “He will be glorified in His saints, and admired in all them that believe.” What a place of honor the church will occupy in association with Christ, the Bridegroom, in that day. Did we deserve it? No! It is all of grace. Surely, we ought to be rejoicing and giving honor to Him in return for all He has done for us, and for all that He means to us day by day. In all eternity we will be giving glory and honor to the Lord Jesus, the heavenly Bridegroom.
Practical Application for Husbands and Wives
Now this has a practical application in marriage. The Bible says that the wife is to reverence her husband (Eph. 5:33), for God has said that the husband is the head, as Christ is the Head of the spiritual body, the church (Eph. 5:23). Of course, it is important that we who are husbands should act in such a way as to win the respect of our wives. There are those thoughtful gestures that mean so much and help our wives to respect us. The wife should respect her husband because the Bible tells her to do so, but our thoughtful consideration of her needs, and feelings, will make it easier for her to do so.
On our part as husbands, we are to remember that the Bible says to us: “Giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). This is a very important part of marriage, for we are “one flesh” and, “No man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth it and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church” (Eph. 5:29).
The church, as we know, is the bride of Christ. Though in a somewhat different connection, it is instructive to read in Romans 12:10 (JND): “As to honor, each taking the lead in paying it to the other.” While there are no doubt ways and means that we can win and keep the respect of our partners, making it easier for them, we must remember that we are not perfect, or always right; nevertheless, we should be careful not to speak disrespectfully to, or about, our partner—husband or wife.
The Divine Lubricants for Marriage
Let us remember that we need one another; and as we carefully and prayerfully seek to watch these three things—understanding, love, and respect (honor)—we will find that they are the divine lubricants for marriage. However, since we are all human, with fallen natures, we should never allow a breakdown on these important points to spoil our marriage. When we fail, as we all do, it is good to learn to say, “I am sorry.” And the sooner we acknowledge it, the better!
There are many practical aspects of these things, and I have not gone into details; but every detail is important. In regard to understanding: a wise husband or wife will be observant of the little things that please, and of the little things that irritate. Is it worth spoiling the happiness of marriage just to have my own way? As we drive our cars we often see the sign “Yield” This is good in marriage too. It tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34, that as married ones we should make every effort to please our partner, as long as we do not sacrifice truth or holiness to do so.
Even though the husband is the head, he must remember there are times when he should listen to his wife—as the Lord told Abraham to listen to Sarah's advice; which, on that occasion, was a word from the Lord. He said, “In all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice” (Gen. 21:12). We need one another, and it is always good to listen to one another and then to weigh the matter before the Lord. Sarah did not take Abraham's place as head, but she helped him to fill his place. We each have our God-given place, and as husband and wife let us always follow the wisdom of God's Word. Leadership is given to the man, and submission is the place God has given to the woman; but this is not inferiority. A man, by honoring his wife, lets her realize how much he needs and appreciates her. By honoring her before others, too, she feels important to him, to the family, and to others. “And let the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
Enjoying Divine Privileges Together
Since we have spoken of the threefold cord, I would like to emphasize the importance of reading the Word and of prayer together. Then too, of working together in the service of the Lord: each in his or her proper place. The public part is given to the man, but this is not necessarily the most important part. Also, by maintaining the practical side of married life in the proper way, our spirits are free in prayer, worship, and service to the Lord. This we learn from 1 Peter 3:7, “That your prayers be not hindered.”
God is the One who planned marriage and home life, and He told His people Israel that, if they followed His instruction, it would be “as the days of heaven upon the earth” (Deut. 11:21). The enemy of our souls does not want us to enjoy this, so he is doing his best to destroy godly order in the Christian home. Then, if he can accomplish this, he can spoil God's assembly too, for there we are able to gather together with the Lord Jesus Himself in our midst, and our home life reflects in the assembly. May the Lord keep us in our homes and in His assembly for his glory till He comes!
In Closing
In closing, I would just like to encourage both husband and wife to seek grace to follow the divine pattern. Talk things over. Share things together. And when there begins to be a strain, try to understand. I would say to you who are husbands: You are the one whom God holds most responsible to maintain love in the marriage. As Christians, it is His love that comes first; our love is a responsive love. So the wife's love is looked upon in Scripture as a responsive love—responsive to the love that her husband shows to her. Then, also, let us not forget to show honor one to another.
I am sure that if we follow the divine plan we will find happiness. Work will be easier, and our position in the assembly will be easier. For God's plan really works, and He will give you the grace and strength needed to walk in His ways. Sad to say, we often think we should follow the wisdom of the world: to our sorrow and loss. “Cease, my son, to hear the words of instruction that cause thee to err from the words of knowledge” (Prov. 19:27). May our daily prayer be, “Preserve me, O God: for in Thee do I put my trust” (Psa. 16:1).
Perhaps someone who will read this will say, “But my partner does not understand, love, or respect me. What am I to do?” I believe God's answer is that, even if your partner fails, commit the matter to the Lord, and He will help you to fulfill your responsibility (1 Peter 3:1-2). He will give you peace in your heart in doing His will, and His answers to prayer may surprise you. The failure of another never gives me a reason to follow my own will. “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good!” (Rom. 12:21)
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