When the Spirit of God would teach husbands and wives their respective responsibilities in Ephesians 5, He first brings before them the one great example — Christ and the church. We thus may learn from the greater what the lesser should be. We will never accurately understand the greater by studying the lesser.
“Christ ... loved the church, and gave Himself for it” (Eph. 5:2525Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Ephesians 5:25)). Can anything compare with the measure of that love? Gave Himself! What depths are here expressed! Could love give more? And that giving of Himself took Him all the way through the agonies of Gethsemane, the forsaking by His own, the denial by Peter, the treachery of Judas, the smiting, the spitting, the mockery, and finally the cruel cross where, in those three hours of darkness, He was made sin for us and, for this reason, was forsaken of a holy God. Well may we exclaim, “The love of Christ, which passeth knowledge,” while at the same time seeking to learn more of it.
This then is the great standard set before husbands: ”Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” What Christian man occupying that relationship would not feel his shortcoming here? Nevertheless, this is what the Spirit of God sets before us. And from these verses we learn that Christ not only loved the church in the past (Eph. 5:2525Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Ephesians 5:25)), but loves it in the present (Eph. 5:2626That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, (Ephesians 5:26)) and in the future (Eph. 5:2727That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. (Ephesians 5:27)).
The Oneness of
Husbands and Wives
“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Eph. 5:2828So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. (Ephesians 5:28)). Having already set the perfect example before us, the Spirit of God now says that men should love their wives “as their own bodies,” for the man and his wife are now one, even as Christ and the church are one.
The great Apostle learned the lesson of that oneness, and learned it well, when he was smitten by that great light from heaven on the road to Damascus. He had been persecuting the saints, the church; now the glorified One in heaven let him know that he had been persecuting their glorious Head. ”Why persecutest thou Me?”
What man can say, I love my wife as myself? Are we not more ready to think of our own bodies, their aches and pains, than to think of our wives? “No man ever yet hated his own flesh.” How careful we are to nurse an infected finger! In this way God would teach us something of the measure of the love of Christ to us and show us what we are to represent in this world. The husband is to be a miniature demonstration of Christ by loving his wife as himself and as Christ loved the church.
Oh, the untold unhappiness and mental torture in many homes which are the direct result of the husband’s failure to show becoming love to his wife! All this could be prevented in Christian homes by the husbands grasping the truth of how they are to represent Christ and acting thereon.
Nourish and Cherish
There is one more point mentioned in these verses, namely, the husband is to nourish and cherish his wife “even as the Lord the church.” As Christ is occupied now with nourishing and cherishing the church, so husbands should care for their wives. Theirs is the responsibility of providing nourishment, and that not only in the way of food for the body, but spiritual aliment. This will require diligence on the part of the husband, for how can he give to another that which he does not himself possess?
There is a very happy way in which most matters in the marriage relationship may be resolved. If the husband and the wife both desire to do the Lord’s will and both earnestly seek that will, they will happily be of one mind. The husband is not to assert his authority as something to be wielded because of who he is, but he is to show all loving consideration to his helpmate. If the wife sees in him a spirit of subjection to the Word of God and a true willingness to do whatever it says, it will be much easier for her to be subject, even when her judgment may differ very widely from his.
A young husband once went to a servant of the Lord and asked him to speak to his wife and to tell her that the Word of God says she should be subject to her husband. The faithful and wise servant calmly replied, “The Word of God does not tell you that.” What it said to him was that he was to love his wife as Christ loved the church and as he loved himself. Perhaps there would have been no occasion for speaking to the aged servant of the Lord if the husband had been showing by his conduct the love, the nourishing and the cherishing that were his responsibility.
Headship Responsibility
When disorder and confusion reign in a Christian home, it is generally the head who is at fault. Perhaps he has not been showing the love he should or providing spiritual food for his household, or perhaps he has not exercised his divinely given place of head. It is not a privilege that he has as head; it is a fact, and the responsibility that goes with it should not be shirked. It may be easier, especially if his wife is quite capable, simply to relax and leave all to her. Many wives have gotten out of the place belonging to them simply because their husbands abdicated theirs.
It is really a solemn responsibility that belongs to each husband, and if he fails in fulfilling his part, need we wonder if the structure of the home becomes unstable? When a breakdown occurs, God looks to the responsible head for the reason.
What sorrow Eve would have spared herself if she had referred the serpent to her husband, saying, “He is my head; see him.” Adam too was not without fault; he took the fruit from her and ate it in disobedience. One old writer said, “Adam was not deceived, but he was influenced.” And how subtle the influence sometimes is! Yet the husband is responsible. God took knowledge of the danger of influence in this tender tie of husband and wife when He said, “If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom ... which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... thou shalt not consent ... neither shall thine eye pity” (Deut. 13:6,86If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; (Deuteronomy 13:6)
8Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: (Deuteronomy 13:8)). Here was a case where the husband might be influenced into idolatry by the wife of his bosom. Solomon was enticed in this very way, and that great and good man fell into idolatry. A wife can have a great influence either for good or evil, “but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:3030Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)). May our influence one on another be for good; may we exhort one another daily (Heb. 10:2525Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. (Hebrews 10:25)).
The Early Years of Marriage
Too often the early years of married life are gone through with very little thought as to the relative position of husband and wife, or their respective places and responsibilities. People are apt to coast through those years without seeking out from the Word of God how they should conduct themselves, and in the elapsed time little evil things take root in the home, which bear bitter fruit in after years. Every young married couple should know these things from the beginning and seek grace from God to carry them out. Natural wisdom, human love or the spirit of graciousness will not carry us straight on our course. Love apart from divine guidance may lead us astray, human graciousness may cause us to acquiesce in what we know is wrong, and human wisdom never was a safeguard for a saint of God. Solomon was the wisest man that ever lived, and he played the fool. Why? Simply because he did not do what God told him to do.
Dwelling Together
We might also notice some words of advice to husbands and wives that are to be found in 1 Peter 3. The Spirit of God writing through Peter anticipates the difficulties and trials of the wilderness pathway and gives wholesome words of warning and guidance. God does not want His children to be unhappy, and if we always walked according to His Word we would not be.
In this passage it speaks of dwelling together as husband and wife. This is beautiful in its place, but who does not know that when two people live together so closely and constantly as married people do, they learn each other’s shortcomings and failures? After a time, these might produce little irritations and so produce marital unhappiness.
The husband is here admonished to dwell with his wife “according to knowledge.” This is not the knowledge that puffs up, but that which keeps us little in our own eyes. How important it is for us to remember our own weaknesses and the great grace that has been shown to us, as also our shortcomings in properly displaying Christ in our relations with our wives. The husband is to remember that the wife is the weaker vessel, and his wife is to find shelter at his side. This is what Christ does for the church. The admonition should make the husband seek help and strength from God, for what husband does not secretly know that he is not a tower of strength in himself.
A sobering thought is also injected here; marriage is only for a time. They are joint heirs of “the grace of life.” They are both going on to another scene where Christ their life will be displayed, and even now they possess together the grace that flows from Christ. Such thoughts as these lift their hearts away from this world to Christ and His coming glory.
By giving attention to these things, their prayers will not be hindered. How can two pray together when there is discord or unhappiness between them? And how can they expect answers to their prayers if they are not walking in obedience to God? Who can measure the blessing of husband and wife praying together? It is one of the blessed privileges of dwelling together.
P. Wilson, adapted from
The Institution of Marriage