“Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord.”
Isaiah 54:11Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord. (Isaiah 54:1)
Thirteen years ago, we decided to have children. It never occurred to me that I might not be able to have them. After a year, then two, then three, I started to wonder. Was I going to have any children? By year four, my friends started having babies, and I still wasn’t having any. I kept my feelings to myself. Then one day I broke down as I watched someone walk into meeting with a brand new baby ... I couldn’t take it. I went home and cried and cried! I felt I couldn’t go back and face all the babies at meeting! But I seemed to know, “You have to go back, otherwise you won’t ever be able to face it again.” So I did. And after meeting a dear sister came up to me and asked me if I was having a hard time with the baby thing. I was shocked and happy all at the same time. Here was someone who cared about what I was going through. She understood, too, for she was going through the same situation as I. The Lord knew I needed that! Over the years I have found that people don’t know what to say to women that are barren, so they don’t say anything. I felt better when my problem wasn’t ignored, but understood.
Over these 13 years I have struggled, grieved, been angry, jealous, you name it. Although I was happy for those who had children, sometimes I would quietly slip away with my heart breaking. I had a dear friend tell me that I was grieving. Although I hadn’t thought of it that way before, I realized that I was grieving ... grieving for the children I had never had.
I have wondered what I have done to deserve barrenness. Was it a punishment? Then I realized, the Lord doesn’t work that way. I struggled with such thoughts as, “What am I to do if I can’t have children? It says in the Bible that children are a blessing. So why would He not give me any? What am I to do with my life as a wife if I can’t have children?” The feeling of uselessness has probably been my hardest struggle.
Recently, the Lord moved us from the comfortable little country town we had lived in for 12 years, and brought us to a city. There He made me realize what I am to be doing. He does not want me to be living my life struggling to have a baby; instead He wants me to seek His will and do it. He used the move for my good. I had another friend remind me when I moved that He has never left me! Just because I was moving away, He didn’t stay behind! What a comforting reminder that was to me. I had been comfortable where I was, and uprooting me shook me to the core, making me stronger in my relationship with Him. He showed me that He is my Comforter. Once I realized that, I was able to start seeing what He has for me to do. Maybe I won’t ever have children. That’s OK now. He has given me peace in knowing that there is a reason that I don’t. I may not know the reason, but I must still live my life for Him, not being consumed with a desire for children. It has taken me a long time to get here. But it has all been worth it. I still have my hard days and probably will for the rest of my time here on earth, but I now have peace. I now understand that it’s OK to grieve. The Lord understands. He has helped me to accept the situation, and He seems to tell me, “I will show you how to live your life. Just follow Me.” I felt so lost without a child, but He has made me just as I am to use me for His own plans. He leads us through the hard times so we will grow. Now I have to continue looking to Him for guidance in my life. Once I started to follow Him, nothing else was fulfilling. He is chiseling away at me to make me into the image of His Son.
Recently I had a meltdown at a conference similar to the one I had years ago. Within hours I had two different couples ask me if I had children. At first I wondered why the Lord allowed that, but then I realized He had planned it all for good. One of the wives said she admired me for having accepted the situation, and looking back, I realized how much the Lord has truly helped me, and that He deserves the credit. In talking to the other wife I realized that I can reach out to other barren women. I am praying that you will realize that God has not kept you childless to punish you. He knows your struggles and it’s okay to talk about them. He loves you with an everlasting love, and He has something really special in store for you! Look to Him!