“I WILL wait until I am confirmed, and then I will be good and lead a new life.”
It was really an earnest resolution, and I thought I should have no difficulty in keeping it. I felt sure my previous failures had been due to my not having given my mind sufficiently to the matter, and not having fixed a definite time for the fresh start. So now I fixed a time, but while waiting for it to come, I was often restless and unhappy, knowing that death might come at any moment, and I was not ready to meet God.
I attended all the classes and answered the Vicar’s questions correctly, and at last the confirmation day came, and the Bishop’s hand was laid upon me. I was deeply impressed with the seriousness of what I was doing, yet throughout all the preparation and the confirmation itself, there was not a word to show me that I was a poor lost sinner, needing salvation.
A few weeks after my confirmation, I accepted an invitation to a large picnic, which I thoroughly enjoyed. My serious thoughts vanished, and my good resolutions were all forgotten. The world seemed bright, and I was eager to enjoy its brightness.
Several years passed away in utter carelessness. Then once again I was stirred up to see my soul’s danger. I was at a dancing party and was enjoying it greatly, when the thought came before me, “All this pleasure will pass away and I shall go on, on to my deathbed, and shall be lost at last.” I saw the gaiety around, and the dancing I loved so well, as in the light of eternity, and oh! how empty and unsatisfying it seemed. I longed to be ready for death and to be able to lead others to be so too.
These thoughts now began to be much pressed on my mind, together with the fear of what my friends would say if I “turned religious.” I never settled down again, and if ever I found myself in danger of doing so, I read a chapter from Revelation, telling of God’s coming judgment on the world. I also grew more and more dissatisfied with my life and its pleasures, finding nothing in them but “vanity and vexation of spirit.”
But I knew not how to escape from the judgment of which I read, nor how to find rest and peace, instead of the transient pleasures of the world. I attended church and took the sacrament most regularly, and over and over again, after a sermon which spoke of death and judgment, I promised God I would strain every nerve to be good in the future. The result, however, was always the same. By the time I reached home I did not feel quite so much in earnest about it, and next day both sermon and resolution were almost forgotten.
Some time previous to this, an earnest Christian had come to live with us as shepherd. He took regularly a religious periodical which be lent me one day, saying that there was a tale in it I might like to read. I took and read it, and learned for the first time that professing Christians are divided into two classes―Christians in reality and Christians in name only, and that “conversion” made the greatest difference between the two. I longed to be one of these real Christians, but I did not know what this conversion could be. I watched Robert, our shepherd, closely, and felt sure he was one. I often longed to ask him what he had done, or what process he had passed through, to become one, but I never could summon sufficient courage to do so.
A sermon in Robert’s paper told me that if a soul seeking salvation would kneel down and confess every sin he had committed, he would have peace. This I endeavored to do, and kneeling down, I confessed every sin I could remember; but no peace came, indeed I seemed to feel further away from it than ever.
I got an impression that if I prayed earnestly, and long enough, my soul’s need would be met. I soon had the opportunity of proving that this also was a mistake.
I was out riding one day when suddenly looking up I saw that half the sun was quite black. I trembled with fear at the sight, thinking the end of the world had come; and hastening home, I lost not a moment in falling on my knees in my room. “O God, save me! save me!” I cried, almost in desperation, until I was too faint to kneel or to cry longer. Then, rising from my knees, I looked from my window and saw the sun in its full brightness, and all going on as usual. People were talking of the great eclipse which had taken place, and I smiled to think how foolish I had been. But I had learned that prayer, however earnest and prolonged, could not save me.
Shortly after this, a friend, whom I did not often see, came in unexpectedly to tea. I knew that she was a Christian, and I felt I must not let this opportunity pass, or I might never have another. When alone with her, bursting into tears, I said, “Oh! M―, I want to be saved! I want to be a Christian like you!”
She laid her hand upon my shoulder, and I am sure her heart was going up with thankfulness to God. I told her all that I had been doing in trying to get peace.
“And what does God’s Word say you must do?” she asked quietly. I was silent. She asked again, “Cannot you think of any verse?”
I could only think of one, which I repeated, “What must I do to be saved?... Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved” (Acts 16:30, 3130And brought them out, and said, Sirs, what must I do to be saved? 31And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. (Acts 16:30‑31)). “Does that say that you have anything to do?” she asked, to my great surprise. “Can you think of any other?”
I quoted John 3:16,16For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16) though very incorrectly “God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
“And does that say you have anything to do?” she again inquired.
“But I must do my part,” I argued.
“Your part is to believe what God says, that Christ died for you, a sinner.”
My own ideas seemed turned upside down. I was surprised that it had never occurred to me to look into the Bible to see what I must do. There I should have found God’s wonderful salvation for the sinner set forth in plain unmistakable words— “Be it known unto you therefore, men and brethren, that through this Man (Christ Jesus) is preached unto you the forgiveness of sins; and by him all that believe are justified from all things” (Acts 13:38, 3938Be it known unto you therefore, men and brethren, that through this man is preached unto you the forgiveness of sins: 39And by him all that believe are justified from all things, from which ye could not be justified by the law of Moses. (Acts 13:38‑39)). Even the verse I had just quoted showed that God, instead of being the hard Judge I had thought, had “so loved the world,” &c. But everything still seemed enveloped in mist.
I now spoke to Robert, who greatly rejoiced to hear that I thought of these things. “You must just trust in Jesus, miss,” he said. So I tried to “believe” and “trust,” but I had no peace, and felt more miserable than before.
I often had talks with Robert after this, but owing to his little knowledge of the Scriptures, the tendency of his conversation was to occupy me with my own feelings and strivings, instead of showing me that all I needed had already been done for me by Christ, “Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree” (1 Peter 2:2424Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. (1 Peter 2:24)). He also lent me old religious books which I studied hour after hour on my knees, vainly trying to work myself into the state of mind they described.
“Have you got the blessing, miss?” Robert would ask, but I could only shake my head.
“Ah well, you must just wait for it, it will be sure to come!” Then he tried to encourage me by saying, “I like to see souls stop a good time in pickle, for they value the truth all the more when they do get hold of it.”
So I waited, waited with intense longing, expecting the “blessing” would come in the form of some inward change, or that some day when I was in a prayerful mood, I should be able to grasp it by a mighty effort of faith.
I was looking for peace before I had rested on that which alone could give it—the death and blood-shedding of Christ. In other words, I was expecting my thirst to be quenched before I had put the water to my lips.
However, I gradually began to see that salvation is the result of the work of Christ alone, and that man’s efforts have no part whatever in it—that God, in virtue of Christ’s atoning death and blood-shedding on Calvary’s cross, is offering full forgiveness of sins to everyone who turns to Him. All the sinner’s part is to believe and appropriate for himself what has been accomplished for him at such infinite cost. Still I could not see yet that
“All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.”
This I was taught through the visit of an aunt. I had always felt much ashamed of her old-fashioned dress, and had never willingly been seen outside the door with her, but now I resolved that I would not only go to the station, but would walk up and down the platform with her before all; then, I thought, surely God will give me peace. The resolve had scarcely been made when clearly and distinctly, as if spoken by a human voice, came before me the words
“Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to Thyself I cling.”
I had fully proved that I could do nothing, and now at last I saw that God required nothing from me save that I should believe His Word, which declared that “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners” (1 Tim. 1:1515This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief. (1 Timothy 1:15)). I was a sinner and therefore He came to save me. Simply relying thus on this precious fact, I saw I must be saved.
But I had no joy as I had expected. Indeed, the only “inward change” was, that I felt the wickedness of my own heart in a way I had never done before. I passed about a week in a state of restless conflict. My mind seemed divided into two parts, the one crying― “I cannot be saved, or I should feel different from this.” Then the other part would insist― “I am saved because God’s Word says that ‘Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners,’ and, though he slay me, yet will I trust him.”
Soon after, I read the verse, “The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin” (1 John 1:77But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)), and as its precious meaning flashed into my mind, I knew that though I was not clean in my own sight, yet in God’s sight the blood of Jesus Christ had cleansed me from all sin.
And now my cup of blessing seemed to run over. I can never forget the joy I felt, as looking round on what seemed a new world, I repeated the lines which so exactly expressed what I realized.
“I stand upon a Rock
With sunlight in my soul.”
I knew I was saved forever, for Christ had said, “I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand” (John 10:2828And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. (John 10:28)).
Reader, here is the experience of one whom God brought “out of darkness into his marvelous light.” I do not ask if your experience has been the same in detail, for few in these days of clear gospel preaching can plead such ignorance of the simple terms of salvation. But have you reached the same end? Are your feet on the Rock? If not, oh! “how shall we escape if we neglect so great salvation?” (Heb. 2:33How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation; which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard him; (Hebrews 2:3)).
F. A.