Since the first printing of this booklet various dear young people (and older ones too) have asked some excellent questions regarding the wonderful sphere of Christian courtship. I have summarized these questions and trust that they and the answers given will be of benefit and help to those interested in this subject.
"I've really been praying for a life's companion. I want the Lord to bring me someone special, but He doesn't seem to be answering my prayers. Nothing is happening. What's wrong?”
Be assured that something is happening-the Lord has heard your prayers and knows your desires. However faith does not try to set a time limit on when the Lord will answer. It patiently and trustingly waits until the Lord is pleased to grant your desire. In Psa. 37 we are told to trust and delight ourselves to the Lord, commit our way to Him and then rest and wait for the Lord to give us His perfect and loving answer.
Its not always easy to rest and wait for the Lord to work but doing so honors Him because it is a proof of your faith and confidence in Him. Remember what Adam did to find a life's companion for himself? Absolutely nothing! He just went to sleep-he was completely inactive-while God prepared his companion. Perhaps this is what the Lord is doing for you at the very time you think nothing is happening. He wants you to sleep—that is, leave everything with Him and trust Him to bring you the right person at the right time. The Lord Jesus "doeth all things well". He perfectly understands the desires of your heart.
Also, it is during these very times when nothing seems to be happening that the Lord is working to form you into a man of God—one to whom He can entrust the care and well-being of another of His precious lambs as your life's companion.
But this assumes that your life is not grieving the heart of the Lord. Our God is a perfect, all loving and all wise Father. But if a disobedient child asks Him for something, He may not grant that desire. A wise parent does not give a treat to a naughty child. See to it that your life and ways are fully submitted to the Lord Jesus Christ.
"I've met a lot of nice Christian girls (guys) but how do I know which one, if any of them, is the Lord's choice for me?
By earnest and continual prayer and reading of God's Word. In Prov. 4:2323Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23) we read, "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life". Too often young people quickly allow their heart to become attached to another-before they have sought the Lord's mind through prayer and reading. Later such relationships often fall apart resulting in sorrow and broken hearts.
Another has well said that it is important to see how a young woman treats her father and how a young man treats his mother. Such actions are quite an accurate gauge for how they will treat their spouse. "Honor thy father and mother" (Eph. 6:22Honor thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) (Ephesians 6:2)).
Consider too the issue of compatibility. God asks a very searching question in Amos 3:33Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3)—"Can two walk together except they be agreed?". Marrying a Christian is of course the fundamental and essential foundation for a happy marriage. However having similar exercises about the serving the Lord, a career, where to live, a family, finances, and many other things, is also critical if two believers are to walk in happy agreement with one another, experiencing the delight of a joyful and peaceful marriage.
Though she was deceiving Samson, Delialah's words provide a vitally important principle-"How cant thou say, I love thee, when thy heart is not with me?" It is very important for young people to find out before getting into a serious relationship, whether the heart of their partner is with them in their exercises before the Lord.
"I really feel attracted to a Christian girl and I've felt this way for some time. But I don't know if she is interested in me and I'm scared of being rejected How do I go about letting her know I have feelings for her?”
“Quit you like men (act like a man)" (1 Cor. 16:13). It is indeed a scary thing to approach a young sister that you have developed feelings for to let her know how you feel. And the thought of being rejected by one who has attracted your heart can sure turn your otherwise strong knees into jelly! But God has created you a man and He wants you to act like what you are. He giveth more grace.
How does a man act? He takes the lead—he makes the first move in expressing his interest in a young lady. Ruth was counseled by her mother-in-law concerning Boaz, "Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day" (Ruth 3:1818Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. (Ruth 3:18)). I say again, you are the man, and to you falls the responsibility of initiating a courtship by expressing your interest in a sister.
There are of course a multitude of ways to express your interest and the Lord will guide you as to the right way for your particular circumstances. There are no rules for this, only God's guidance.
I would add one other thing. It is good (though perhaps not always possible) to let the parents of the young lady know of your intentions. Our society encourages young people, especially young women, to be independent thinkers and to act independently. But the principle of independence is not found in the Word of God. We find there instead, "In the multitude of counselors there is safety" (Prov. 11:1414Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14)). Further we read of Jacob that when he expressed his love and desire to have Rachel as his wife, he spoke to her father first (Gen. 29:1515And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be? (Genesis 29:15)).
Do you still feel scared to let your feelings be known to the young lady you care for? You are not acting as a man! You will need wisdom from God to know when and how to express those feelings, but to keep them hidden is not what a man of God does. Further, it is not fair to the young woman to not let her know how you feel. Of course she may tell you she is not interested-the Lord allows her to have a will in the matter of a life's companion-just as Rebekah was asked, "Wilt thou go with this man?" She could have said "no, I will not go" and that would have been the end of the matter. That decision was properly hers to make and in Rebekah's case she said, "I will go". But the man (in this case the servant of Abraham) did the asking, not the woman.
Be a man dear young brother, be a man!
"What if a Christian guy that I have feelings for seems like he's interested in me but is too shy to say or do anything about it? Shouldn't I send some signals or do something to initiate a courtship? After all, I want him to know I'm interested too.”
Part of my answer will be to repeat what was said previously. It is the place of the man to initiate a courtship with a woman, not the reverse. Our precious Savior and Lord has left us a perfect example to follow in Eph. 5:2525Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Ephesians 5:25), "... Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it...". The Lord Jesus came seeking the lost, He initiated work and effort which has resulted in believers being united to Him forever, members of His body and His bride. It was the Lord Jesus who prophetically answered in Isa. 6:88Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me. (Isaiah 6:8), "... Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me".
1 Tim. 2:9-15 and
1 Peter 3:1-61Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 3Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. (1 Peter 3:1‑6) women are taught to have a
meek (modest) and
quiet spirit, not doing or wearing things that would make her an object of attention. Submission and modesty of spirit are rare qualities in women today, but ought to be displayed in every Christian woman's life.
It really is out of the character of a woman of God to take the lead, especially in the sphere of courtship. In Proverbs it is the strange woman (a morally corrupt woman) who initiates a relationship with a young man with her much fair speech and the flattery of her lips. The character of this immoral woman is that she "makes the moves" in a relationshipaction which is common and prevalent in the Western world today. But such manner of life and frowardness ought never to characterize a Christian woman.
It is certainly not wrong to talk to him without chasing him, return a smile or friendly gesture without, flirting. The Lord will always give wisdom for your conduct. But it is not your place to "make the first moves" if you would maintain your dignity and proper place as a woman of God.
And, quite frankly, if the young man acts as though he is interested but doesn't seem willing to begin a courtship, perhaps he is not as interested as you wish, or he's not mature enough to handle a serious relationship. "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD" ( Psa. 27:1414Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)).
"I don't see why dating a lot of different Christian girls (or guys) before getting serious is wrong. How else will I find out who is really the right one for me?”
Such thinking is according to the wisdom of the world not the wisdom of God. It may seem like a natural and wise thing to do-to shop around before making a decision. But a sister is not a car or piece of furniture or a computer and "comparison shopping" for a life's companion has no Scriptural warrant.
A sister is to be treated in all purity as a weaker vessel. Casual, recreational dating can easily take advantage of her tender feelings and is at its root, a very selfish thing. It satisfies only a superficial desire using a relationship meant to be entered into soberly and in the fear of God. Worst of all, such dating makes nothing of the importance of faith in the Lord and prayer that He will guide you to the right individual.
Soberly entering a dating relationship with a sister with the realization that she might become your life's companion is far different than dating a sister so that you have something to do on Friday nights. Don't tamper with the delicate and easily crushed feelings of a young sister if you are not serious in your intentions. (If you are a sister, don't accept a date with a young man that you could never view as a potential life's companion).
It is possible that when there is a serious relationship, the partners may come to realize that their friendship does not seem destined to develop into a lifetime commitment. Being prayerful, careful and completely honest with each other is safe and will keep hearts from being devastated. Prov. 6:1-51My son, if thou be surety for thy friend, if thou hast stricken thy hand with a stranger, 2Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth. 3Do this now, my son, and deliver thyself, when thou art come into the hand of thy friend; go, humble thyself, and make sure thy friend. 4Give not sleep to thine eyes, nor slumber to thine eyelids. 5Deliver thyself as a roe from the hand of the hunter, and as a bird from the hand of the fowler. (Proverbs 6:1‑5) gives excellent instruction and principles for how to soberly and carefully handle a relationship that is not working out.
Above all else, don't ever "shop" around when dealing with the heart affections of another Christian. Girls, you can break a young brother's heart too. Be careful!
"Is there anything wrong with dating a Christian guy I have feelings for, even though neither one of us is ready for a serious relationship? Can't we just date as good friends until we know we're ready to get serious?”
I believe courtship—dating is only for those who are serious in their feelings for another. Prov. 24:2727Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house. (Proverbs 24:27) instructs us to "Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterward build thine house". It is clear from the principle found here that courtship comes after there is an ability and desire to begin and maintain a serious relationship.
If you do not feel ready to get serious, or if the guy you like is not ready for a serious relationship, dating will probably lead to a ruined, unhappy courtship leaving one or both of your hearts broken.
Luke 14:28-3228For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? 29Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, 30Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. 31Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand? 32Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace. (Luke 14:28‑32) gives an important principle about counting the cost before beginning a project to see if it can be successfully completed. I urge you to sit down first before dating the guy you have feelings for, and prayerfully consider if the Lord is leading you into a relationship which can be sustained. If you do not have peace that a serious dating relationship can be sustained, or if you just don't know for sure, than its better to not begin to build something you aren't sure can be completed.
This is not to say that you can't maintain a friendship with the guy you have feelings for. You can certainly communicate with each other, share your spiritual exercises and seek to encourage each other in the Lord. And doing these kinds of things will tend to show whether there is a possibility of having a serious relationship.
"What's wrong with just being good friends with a girl (or a guy) without any interest in becoming romantically involved? Good friends can really help each other through some of the trials of Christian life can't they?”
I feel it is very difficult and morally dangerous for a man and a woman to be just "good friends" with no thought of romantic involvement. This principle is brought out very plainly in the book of Ruth. In Ruth 2:88Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: (Ruth 2:8) Boaz tells her to abide fast by my maidens. Though in a place where she could easily mix with and form friendships with the young men, Boaz warned her to stay with his young women.
Further Boaz warns his young men not to touch Ruth showing that when men and women form friendships with each other, romantic feelings and intimacies are very likely to develop.
Ruth did not seem to understand the importance of what Boaz had said to her for later, when talking to her mother-in-law, she tells Naomi, "he (Boaz) said unto me also, Thou shalt keep fast by my young men, until they have ended all my harvest". Naomi immediately caught Ruth's mistake and wisely told her, "It is good, my daughter, that thou go out with his maidens".
This does not mean that young people cannot be friendly to each other, but to become a close friend suggests a far deeper, more intimate relationship then mere friendliness. We read that "Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel" (Prov. 27:99Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel. (Proverbs 27:9)). An intimate friendship such as this would not be seemly between a man and woman who are not romantically interested in each other.
King David's closest friend was probably Jonathan, but two others are also mentioned as being his friends-Hushai and Nathan-both men. The Word of God is strangely silent about men and women who are not romantically involved with each other being close friends. Further, in the New Testament the Apostle Paul warns Timothy (a young man) that when dealing with young women, he is to look at them as sisters in Christ (not as close friends) and talk to them in all purity (1 Tim. 5:2).
The world in which we live has developed a very casual attitude about relationships between men and women. The lines of separation in male-female relationships which are clearly found in Scripture have been blurred beyond recognition, thanks in a large part to the Hollywood entertainment and professional sports industry. At the same time, marital infidelity, divorce, and full blown immorality are rampant and rising.
I would earnestly plead with you not to willingly or casually form close friendships with members of the opposite sex. Realize too that being overly friendly to a guy or a girl sends them the wrong signals. You may not mean for your friendship to be anything more than just good friends, but the one with whom you are forming that friendship may read your friendliness and confidences in them as a desire for a romantic relationship. The end of such a situation is a broken heart for one or both of you.
Consider too the difficulty of entering a courting relationship with a person your heart has been attracted to, only to find that they are very close friends with another guy (or girl). How would it make you feel knowing that the guy you have fallen in love with has a very good friend that he often communicates with, who is also a girl! God is not the author of confusion and such a situation is based on emotional and moral confusion, though there may not be any moral sin involved in that relationship.
A very important principle is found Fen. 7:2: "... the male and his female". God has provided one companion for the male-his female-but there's no allowance for "the male, his female and his female friend".
“I know of a certain nice Christian guy (or girl) who is interested in me, but I have no feelings for him (her). Does the Lord expect me to marry someone I don't have feelings for just because they are a Christian and are interested in me?”
No. He allows you to have a will in that matter. Rebekah was asked "Wilt thou go with this man?"-she was not commanded "Thou wilt go with this man".
The same principle is found in 1 Cor. 7 where a Christian widow or widower is allowed by God to remarry-she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord (1 Cor. 7:3939The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39)). The Lord who created each of us knows that we have unique personalities that will respond in different ways to different people. He has not made us all the same. The principle is found in 1 Cor. 15:3838But God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him, and to every seed his own body. (1 Corinthians 15:38) where we read that "God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him, and to every seed his own body". Thus, in grace the Lord does allow a will in the matter of a life's companion, only He warns that your choice of a companion is to be in the Lord (a compatible Christian with similar exercises and desires for the Lord).
“I've tried every way I know how, to let a Christian guy (or a girl) realize I don't have any feelings for them and am not interested in a relationship but they won't give up. Now what?”
Before you do anything, make sure you are sending clear, unmistakable signals that you are not interested in a romantic relationship. And don't make yourself available for friendly talks with someone who has a crush on you. Sometimes we like others to pay this kind of attention to us, even though we have no intention of being romantically involved. Ask the Lord to help you judge anything in your actions which might be sending the wrong message to the one who is interested in you.
Then, if a guy still won't take "no" for an answer, you need to go to your parents and/or brethren and have them help you. We read that "in the multitude of counselors there is safety" (Prov. 11:1414Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14)). Also we are reminded that "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity" (Prov. 17:1717A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)). Confide in your parents and your brethren and seek their godly advice and help.
If a girl won't take "no" for an answer you might want to consider talking with her parents to make sure they understand that you don't want to hurt their daughter, but you have no romantic feelings for her. And, above all, in all your thoughts, draw close to the Lord Jesus for wisdom. He will not fail you, but He does want your complete obedience and trust.
Don't deal with such a situation in a spirit of frustration or anger. "A soft answer turneth away wrath". "And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all" (2 Tim. 2:2424And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, (2 Timothy 2:24)). Remember that the one to whom you are saying "no" belongs to Christ and is infinitely precious to Him. How you treat that person matters very much, not only to them, but to their precious Savior. Be gentle!
“Are there really any clear guides in the Bible for how I am supposed to act with my girlfriend (boyfriend)? What are the acceptable limits God sets for physical contact before marriage?”
Of course there are. And though the Bible is not a "how to do it" manual for romance it is full of principles which the Spirit of God will apply as you and your partner seek to walk in submission and obedience to His Word.
Romance is very exciting-appropriately so-for the deepest feelings and passions of the heart are touched and exercised towards each other in a serious courtship. Because of this you will both need to be very much before the Lord-both individually and together-to seek His help and wisdom for your romantic conduct. For example, make it a normal habit to pray when going on dates. Pray for the Lord's help that your conduct with each other would be pleasing to Him, above reproach, and would treat each other in all purity.
There are physical intimacies enjoyed between a man and a woman which are part of the wonder and beauty of the marriage union. Prov. 5:18, 1918Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. (Proverbs 5:18‑19) is just one of the passages which encourages such joys of physical intimacy within marriage. The Song of Solomon is another beautiful series of the deepest kind of romantic expressions of love between a husband and wife. But these joys are clearly not to be experienced outside the marriage bond. Thus you will ever need the Lord's wisdom for the kinds of physical conduct that are appropriate within your courtship before marriage.
In Prov. 30:18, 1918There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: 19The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. (Proverbs 30:18‑19) four things are mentioned which are too wonderful to fully understand. One is the way of a man with a maid. This suggests to our hearts that while the Lord will give all the wisdom and grace needed for a happy and exciting courtship, physical contact in courtship is a very personal and very private matter between a man and a woman-a matter of personal exercise before the Lord alone.
Of course the Word of God is very clear on certain kinds of conduct. Sexual intimacy before marriage is fornication-something which God calls sin. Yet the very same act, when carried out within the marriage union, is part of the natural joy with which God has blessed the sphere of marriage.
God's Word is also very clear that any physical contact-a touch-between an unmarried man and woman is to be avoided. In 1 Cor. 7:11Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. (1 Corinthians 7:1) where Paul says "it is good for a man not to touch a woman", the sense in the original Greek language is not to touch a woman in a way that lights a fire of passion. This verse however does not, for example, forbid an unmarried man and woman from shaking hands. But it does clearly forbid any kind of physical contact that might stir up unholy passions and desires between them.
The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Thess. 5:2222Abstain from all appearance of evil. (1 Thessalonians 5:22) to "abstain ("avoid") from all appearance of evil". This simple instruction, if acted on through a tender conscience and a desire to honor the Lord in every aspect of your courtship, will keep you from falling into any conduct which could lead you into sin, unhappiness and broken hearts.
Remember, in your courtship purity in conduct is indispensable.
"Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example [model"] of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity" (1 Tim. 4:1212Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)).
L. D. N., 2002
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