This morning’s meeting is on a subject that I feel very incapable of properly discussing. I suppose I prayed more about discussing this subject than I did for any of the others. The subjects seem to get a little tougher as the week goes on!
The subject I have before me is the relationship of parents to children and children to parents. It is rather difficult to speak on this subject to an audience like this, because in one sense I am going to speak to you as potential parents; and yet on the other side I am going to speak to you as being still children in your parents’ home. But I believe the Word of God gives us very explicit instruction along these lines which is not often emphasized today.
Parents to Children
Turn first, please, to Ephesians 6:44And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4). We will speak first about the relationship of parents to children. Now I know that most of you here are not parents, but if the Lord should leave us here a little longer, many of you will be establishing homes of your own and be in that relationship, so I think it is good if we look to the Word of God and see what He has to say about these things.
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
You will notice here that the comments are addressed to fathers because they primarily have the position of headship and leadership in the home. It goes without saying, however, that the comments apply equally to mothers as well as fathers, and take in the whole sphere of the relationship of parents to their children.
Notice that in this verse it does not say, ‘bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and provoke not your children to wrath”. No, the order is reversed. There is a lot involved in that phrase, “provoke not your children to wrath;” but what I believe it brings before us is the importance that we as parents have in establishing a rapport with our children, so that the second half of the verse can be carried out in the right way.
Let me use a little illustration. I can think of a case that happened many years ago, long before my time, and it came to me second hand. A brother who, I believe, had a real concern for the honor and glory of the Lord and for his children, was trying to bring them up for the Lord. But it wasn’t working. His children were rebelling against their parental authority and also against the Word of God. Finally he came to an older brother among us, one who was respected and who was full time in the Lord’s work and said to him, “Brother, I’m having real difficulty with my family. I read the Word of God to them, I take them to the meetings, I try and bring before them the importance of the things of the Lord, and it just doesn’t seem to be working.” Well, the older brother knew the family situation a little and he looked the brother straight in the eye and said, “Brother, I think you ought to buy a crokinole board.” The brother looked at him with disbelief on his face and said, “But I want you to realize that I am entirely serious about all of this. I’m not just joking.” The older brother looked right back at him and said, “And so am I.” The crokinole board was lacking in that home. The brother didn’t realize that while it was important to bring the Word of God before his children, there was an importance also in establishing that rapport with them.
I say to you dear young people, that when and if you establish homes of your own and have children of your own, it is important to spend time with them, seeking to enjoy them, to provide those diversions which are necessary to children, in order that when the nurture and admonition of the Lord is necessary, they will receive it gladly from you.
I can remember well, shortly after I had finished college, when I had the privilege of taking a bit of a holiday in Florida, and at his invitation, spending some time with our dear brother Eric Smith. During that time I picked up a book in his library. Actually it is a book which I would have liked to have given to you young people, but I’m afraid it is out of print. I read that book through while I was there, and enjoyed not only the content of the book, but what was probably worth at least as much, if not more, his own personal comments penned in the margins of it. I can well remember a comment made in the book about this verse, and alongside the comment were these words in the margin, “time must be taken to spend with our children, and to give them that love and affection which they need. Even the work of the Lord must never interfere.”
Now, there needs to be a balance in all of this. There is a danger on the one hand of becoming so wrapped up in our families that we neglect the work of the Lord, but there is a danger in getting absorbed in business, in the cares of this life, and even in assembly life and in the work of the Lord, so that we neglect our children. It is possible to be blessed in the work of the Lord and yet to be a poor parent.
And so we have these words, “provoke not your children to wrath.” The rapport with children should start with parents. I believe it is the responsibility and privilege of parents to cultivate diligently the friendship of their children, and to enjoy that special time with them which allows you to bring before them the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
I can remember another case in point. There was a sister who had had a difficult past and who as a single parent was trying to bring up her two children for the Lord. An older sister who had the care and concern of them at heart picked up a couple of books while at a conference and wanted to buy them for the daughter of this particular sister. The older sister brought the books to her and the mother politely, but firmly placed them back on the shelf and said, “No, she has her Bible, she doesn’t need any other books.” I won’t bother telling you the sad history of that girl as time went on, how that as she got to be a teenager, she completely rebelled against her mother and went off into the world, causing her no end of grief. Is there anything wrong with filling our children with the Word of God? Not at all, but there needs to be the proper diversion, the proper recreation, the proper balance in things which only the wisdom of God can give us.
Then we find in the last part of the verse, “bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” That word “nurture” is a nice word. I believe it is right as it stands here, but I would just mention that in the original it would more properly read “discipline,”—”the discipline and admonition of the Lord.” This is so necessary today when discipline is being viewed upon as being wrong. I can still remember a young woman who was in my office some time ago, with her son, who was perhaps two or three years old. He happened to be the patient that day, and I had a very difficult time examining that boy. During the course of the time in my office, he completely disrupted my examining room, and to cap it all off, kicked his mother (who was obviously expecting another baby) in the stomach. I said to that mother, “You know, you are going to have some problems with this boy if you don’t take him in hand and administer a little discipline.” “Well,” she said, “perhaps I ought to talk to him a little more and explain to him why he should not do these things.” ‘No,” I said, “it takes a little more than that.” It does take more than that—the discipline and admonition of the Lord.
Turn back to the book of Proverbs for a verse, chapter 13, verse 24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”
Now the world of today would say, “That’s out of place. It is wrong to use violence against a child.” But let me tell you this, that it is the way that God gives us in His precious Word, and if discipline is administered properly, and if the first half of our verse has been properly carried out, then I don’t believe there will be real difficulties in the second part of the verse.
The proper way it should be looked at is this. A child upon receiving discipline from a parent should have this reaction produced in him: “My father or my mother who loves me so much, as evidenced by everything they do form—all the love and care they provide for me, all the good times that we have together, the bedtime story that I hear, the hugs, the kiss, everything that goes along with it—I say again, my father and my mother who love me so much, felt so seriously about the sin which I committed that they had to use the rod on me.” That will produce the proper state of soul in the child. Now no chastening feels pleasant at the time. It is not meant to be, but as the Word of God says, “Afterward it produces the peaceable fruits of righteousness.” A child who has experienced the first half of the verse will not resent discipline if it is properly applied.
There is a question sometimes of when the discipline should be administered, and what form it should take. Well, circumstances alter cases. The discipline should suit the child involved. We who are parents know how that we have to deal with each of our children in a little different way, because they have different characters. It tells us in Proverbs 22:66Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6), “Train up a child in the way he should go:” or perhaps more accurately, “according to the tenor of his way” (J.N.D. translation). The tenor of each child is different, and thus wisdom is needed to deal with each one. Nevertheless the principles of the Word of God hold true, and each parent here would support me when I say that the youngest toddler has a will so strong, that he will lie there holding his breath until he turns blue out of sheer frustration and anger, or throw a temper tantrum so violent that it frightens his parents. The world would say, “He doesn’t know what is going on, so just leave him alone and let him have his temper tantrum.” But this is not the wisdom of God, for the instruction is, “He that loveth his son, chasteneth him betimes.”
An older sister once said these words, “In the experience with our children, we found in seeking to apply the principles of the Word of God, that we fought one royal battle with them, usually between the time that they were one or two years old. Once that battle was fought and the will was broken, it was easier after that.” Not that the child never needed correction after that. No, at times they forgot themselves and had to be corrected, but once that will was broken and the authority of the parent was established, they did not have to go through that same battle later on. But I fear there many of us here as parents who are afraid to face that battle. We think, “Well, he will grow out of it.” No, he may grow out of that particular behavior, but he will not grow out of the attitude that produced it. I sometimes hear parents talk about how they lost their son when he was fifteen years old, because at that point he seemed to rebel against them and went his own way. Or they lost their daughter when she was sixteen or seventeen years old. Although I don’t usually say anything because I have to look at my own failure, I say to myself, “No, you didn’t lose them at that age, you lost them ten or fifteen years before.”
These things are very humbling to us. It is very humbling for me to talk about them, and I fear that many times these subjects are not broached because we find the edge of the sword cuts too deeply into ourselves. Do we bear some responsibility for our children, as parents? Indeed we do. I believe it is a principle that runs all through the Word of God. I cannot teach my child that which I have not learned myself and that is why it says “the discipline and admonition of the Lord.” Unless I as a parent have come to terms with the Lordship of Christ, then I cannot presume to act in a proper way in discipline towards my child. If there is a particular sin in my own life that I have not judged, then I cannot presume to discipline my child for the same thing.
One of two things will happen. Either I will discipline my child severely for that which I have not judged in my own life, in which case it will only produce rebellion in his soul, because he sees that I am not consistent, or on the other hand I will completely lay aside the discipline, letting the child just do exactly what he wants. This will produce the same effect—rebellion.
Let me use a few examples from the Word of God. We won’t turn to them; you will recognize them when I refer to them. You will remember the sons of Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, died because they offered strange fire before the Lord. If you will read the passage, you will remember it is recorded there that Aaron held his peace. Why did Aaron hold his peace? I believe that poor Aaron remembered only too well, how that probably not more than a year before he had shown a careless attitude towards the honor and glory of the Lord in producing a golden calf and in leading the people of Israel into idolatry.
Another example is Jacob. He tried to gain his end with his brother Laban by cheating him, by trying to manipulate things to his own end and scheming and planning in order to get the best of his uncle. But oh, we see some years later how his own sons sold their brother into Egypt and deceived their father for 20 years by taking Joseph’s coat, dipping it in the blood of a goat and then tricked him into thinking Joseph had been killed by a wild beast.
David showed a careless attitude toward immorality in his sin with Bathsheba, but a few years later he found that two of his sons, Amnon and Absalom showed the same careless disregard for these things. David had to recognize that he had set a bad example for them. We could multiply more examples from the Word of God, but these would suffice to show us that the sins that we refuse to judge as parents often come back to haunt us by coming out in our children. “The discipline and admonition of the Lord.”
If I have a casual attitude toward lying, then I cannot hope to instill into my children any greater aversion to that sin than I have myself. If I am covetous, then I cannot be surprised if my children exhibit the same traits.
Well, again I say that these things are very humbling to speak of. May the Lord give us grace to judge in our own souls that which he would bring before us in order that we may be able to carry out what we have here — bringing our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Children to Parents
Now we will pass on to the other half of this talk which concerns the relationship of children to parents. Once again we will read those verses in Ephesians 6:11Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. (Ephesians 6:1): “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise; that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”
Now turn back to Proverbs 1:88My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: (Proverbs 1:8): “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: for they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck.”
Now a verse in 2 Timothy 3:11This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. (2 Timothy 3:1): “This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.” Just a little remark here. When it says “the last days,” it is referring to the time just before the Lord’s return. It is the days in which you and I are now living. In I Timothy when it talks about “the latter times,” it is not the same expression. The latter times refers to that age which followed directly upon the apostles in this scene and refers to that declension which occurred in the church shortly after the apostles left this world. We should just have that clear in our minds.
Let us continue on with 2 Timothy 3:22For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, (2 Timothy 3:2): “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce-breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God.”
I said it was going to be difficult to speak on this subject, because on the one hand we have tried to bring before you some of the responsibilities that you will have as parents. But now we speak to you because most of you are in the category of being children in your parents’ home, some older, some younger. So I believe that while parenthood is not in the too distant future for a good many of you if the Lord should leave us here, nevertheless at the moment you are in the relationship we have just been reading about. And the Word of God gives us this instruction very clearly: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Once again we have the lordship of Christ brought into it. It is a day and age when man is throwing off all restraint and when many people have great difficulty coming to grips with authority. But I often feel that we as parents, perhaps, have also had difficulty in coming to grips with the authority and lordship of Christ. Remember dear young people that the same lordship that is mentioned in verse 4 is mentioned in verse 1, “Obey your parents in the Lord.” Are your parents always right? No; I am sure they are not. I have not always been right as a parent, but the instruction in the Word of God is clear.
You will remember the analogy that we used yesterday concerning Henry Kissinger and Richard Nixon. Mr. Kissinger served the Presidency; the man in it, in one sense, was not the major question. For you, in your relationship to your parents, you have a duty to obey them, not because of what they are, but because of the position in which God has placed them. So here it says, “Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right;” but then it goes on to say, “Honor thy father and thy mother.” I have never seen a young person who made progress in the things of the Lord who neglected what we have here.
Now I know that some of you come from godly Christian homes. You come from homes where both parents are the Lord’s, and in which they seek to bring you up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. They haven’t always been perfect, but they have done as much as possible to give you instruction in the Lord’s things and in every way to encourage you to go on for Him.
On the other hand, some of you may come from homes where, although one or both parents may be the Lord’s, you don’t see the consistency in a Christian walk that should be seen. I know that some of you here come from very difficult situations where neither parent is saved and where perhaps you face a good deal of persecution and hardship around your home because of your stand as a Christian. Does that alter what we have here? No. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Now I might mention, of course, that when it says “in the Lord”, that that brings before us that which would be in keeping with the honor and glory of the Lord. If a parent were to say to his son, “Come on son, we are going out on a burglary tonight”, then I believe it would be proper and right before the Lord for a Christian son to say, “Father, I respect you and I love you, and I want to obey you, but I have a higher authority when it comes to doing that which would be contrary to the law and which would be morally wrong.” But I rather expect that would be the exception rather than the rule.
No, most of the time it may be things which your parents might ask you to do which you might find difficult and disagreeable. Then I believe it is right and proper for you to honor this relationship.
Sometimes it is difficult for us to honor parents who don’t exhibit the proper attitude in the place in which God has placed them. But, just as we were speaking the other day of how an unsaved husband or wife could perhaps be won over by a Godly Christian walk, so I believe, dear young people, that if you are misunderstood in your home, your best defense is a godly consistent Christian walk.
In 2 Timothy 3, we notice that the phrase “disobedient to parents” does not occur in isolation. No, it occurs in a long list of things which (in my brief experience) tend to go together. Disobedience to parents tends to produce the other attitudes which we find here; dear young people, they will end in ruin for you. So I say again that while your parents may not be everything that you wish they were, nevertheless it does not set aside our responsibility before God to honor them in the position in which God has placed them. And remember, they may know more than you think. We are looking at life from a very limited perspective, especially when we are in our teenage years.
I hesitate to mention this man’s name in a Christian address because he was a godless man, but nevertheless he made a remark which I think was in a good measure true. I refer to Samuel Clemens, otherwise known as Mark Twain, the American author. He spoke of how he found his father almost intolerable when he was 14 years of age and how difficult it was to see eye to eye with him. But later on, writing at the age of 21, he made the remark that he was surprised at how much the old man had learned in the last 7 years. You know as well as I do, that the father probably had changed relatively little, but the boy had grown up and was able to see things in a more proper perspective.
So remember that your parents love you, although they may not understand you. I freely admit to you dear young people that I do not understand some of the things you are going through. When I went through high school, drugs were not a problem at all. I never heard the matter mentioned. Alcoholism? Oh sure, some partook of it a little bit. But it was not a major problem. Immorality? It was spoken of in hushed whispers behind the scenes; certainly never flaunted the way it is today. Authority? It was unquestioned. I can well remember in my local high school when a drinking fountain was broken. I can remember the principal coming on the public address system in the middle of the afternoon and telling us that the fountain had been broken and asking that the individual who was involved come down and tell them about it before the end of the day. He said, “We have never had a problem with this before. But I would just remind you that if the individuals responsible do not come and tell me about it, I will be obliged to detain the whole school at the end of the day until they do.” Did he have to worry? No. The individuals came and told him about it. Did he want to keep the whole school in and punish innocent people for the crime of a few? No, of course not. But he knew that if he had to resort to those means, he would have a large body of parents behind him who would rather see their children detained a while, then see law and order dismissed from the school. To my knowledge he never had to resort to those measures.
That is all changed today. You are experiencing difficulties, problems, pressures, some of which we never had to pass through, and I have no hesitation in saying that no doubt your parents do not understand completely. You say, “You don’t understand my situation. You don’t know my parents. You don’t know the kinds of problems I have to pass through. My parents are living in the past. All their ideas and attitudes are from 30 years ago. You don’t realize the difficulties I have to pass through.” No. I truly confess, I don’t. But at the same time you must realize that while the world changes, the principles of the Word of God do not change. Your parents, no doubt, have a love for you (perhaps in some homes to a greater or lesser degree), but you will not be blessed in your Christian pathway if you do not honor and obey them as we have been reading together.
I want to make another remark here that I think is very important. We have spoken in the beginning of our responsibilities as parents. I hope that there isn’t a tendency among some here to look back and say, “Well, if my life has wound up in a mess as a young person, if I haven’t gone on for the Lord, if I have been guilty of getting into difficulties and problems in my life, I can look back at my parents and put the blame on them.”
No. I can remember attending a seminar in connection with my profession some months ago. In the course of that seminar, there was a man who was giving a talk on stress. He said some things that were very interesting. I don’t believe he was the Lord’s, for none of what he said had any reference to the Word of God. But he made a comment which I found quite revealing: “If we try to blame our difficulties and our problems on our past, that is the excuse of a loser.” Dear young people, to try and blame our difficulties and problems on our up-bringing, or the situation in which we have found ourselves, is the excuse of a spiritual loser. No, the Word of God says, “Everyone shall give account of himself to God.” So if you find yourself in a situation where everything is not as it should be, that is no excuse for you to say, “I couldn’t help it.” The Word of God is given to us for our guide. We have the Lord Jesus Christ to look to and there is no excuse even if there is failure in those who sought to bring you up.
So I say again that we have no excuse to go wrong in our lives. If you and I are found going on in a life of sin before the Lord, we have to put the blame right back at ourselves. If, on the other hand, I as a parent see my children go astray, I believe I have to bear that responsibility, too, before the Lord. Perhaps this is one of those things in the Word of God which we cannot reconcile completely.
One other point that I would like to make here. Suppose you find yourself in a situation where your parents have not reached out, and have not established that rapport which the Scripture says they should. Why not try and reach out yourself? Sometimes parents find it very difficult to do this, but you have no idea what an encouragement it is to your parents if you will reach out and say something that says how much you appreciate them. Have you ever thanked your father or your mother for something they have done for you? Have you ever made a comment to them which shows you appreciate what they do for you?
I can well remember some years ago when I was a teenager, I didn’t always see eye to eye with my father. We certainly had some differences as I was growing up. I can remember, however, once when he gave us a word at meeting that I had enjoyed particularly, and the Lord gave me the courage to go up to him afterward and to tell him that I had enjoyed what the Lord had given him for us. You know, that established a rapport between me and my dad that really helped. I could see how much he appreciated that. So dear young people, you have no idea how much of an encouragement to the older ones it is when you come to them and show how much you appreciate something they are doing for you. Many times they do things which are not appreciated and sometimes they may do things in the wrong way, but may the Lord give you grace to try and establish some of that rapport.
Again it goes back to a godly consistent Christian walk which I believe the Lord would have us to carry out for him. Are you misunderstood? Walk quietly and consistently before the Lord and I believe your parents will change their mind about you. Are you finding that you have difficulties in your relationship with them? Simply look to the Lord for help to live out that which He has given you and I believe you will find that sooner or later they will change their minds about you. I know some of the difficulties seem insurmountable, but may God give you grace to carry out what we have in His precious Word and to seek to honor your father and your mother according to what we have here.
The question sometimes arises: “How long should children obey their parents?” I believe we have a principle for this which goes right back to the book of Genesis, to the verse that we referred to the other day. There it says, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and they twain shall be one flesh.”
There I believe we see God’s order, in that when a man was married he became the head of a new home. When a woman was married, she, instead of looking to her father and to her mother for the leadership and guidance which she had had in the past, now looked to her husband for the leadership and guidance in temporal and spiritual things. So I believe for my own soul, that as long as a child is living under his parents’ roof, it would be fitting and proper for them to carry out what we have in Ephesians 6.
Now I hasten to say that the type of obedience that would be rendered by a child of 18 or 19 would perhaps be considerably different than that which would be rendered by a child of 4 or 5. I believe that if things are normal in a home, both the parent and the child will recognize the increasing maturity as time goes on and that there will be as a matter of course the increasing freedom to make one’s own decisions. However, I feel that if it came down to a difficulty which arose, it would be fitting and proper for the child to yield to the parent as long as he were living in his parents’ home. Now I know this is not popular today. Sometimes those in their teens, especially in their late teens would say, “No I am old enough to make my own decisions”, and in one sense you are. But nevertheless I believe it is right and proper to respect your parents exercises so that you do not bring into that—home, either by association or otherwise, that which would be contrary to the wishes and conscience of your parents.
Now of course there are some of you who may not fall into the category of what we have read in Genesis. Some of you may not get married, and it is fitting and proper that at some point a child having reached the age of maturity and perhaps even not married would move out of the parental home and establish a home of his or her own. There again I believe it would be a matter of wisdom before the Lord as to what point one would come to in order to do that. Scripture does not give us any rules in that regard, but once again in looking to the Lord, I believe He would give wisdom and guidance in each particular situation.
So, to sum up what we have said, we have considered the relationship of parents to children, and the relationship of children to parents. Again I realize the difficulty in speaking to you from two different points of view, but perhaps you can see there are difficulties and problems on both sides which only the wisdom of God’s Word and communion with Him can overcome.
May He give you grace first and foremost as children to carry out the proper relationships between you and your parents in accordance with what we have in the Word of God, and at the same time, if the Lord should leave us here, look to God and His Word for the wisdom to bring up a family for the Lord. May God give us grace to walk in the wisdom of His precious Word in the little while that He leaves us here.
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