January, 1874, dear reader, I awoke to the fact that I was going on very badly, and I said to myself, “This sort of thing will not do, I must take the pledge.” From this you will gather what was my besetting sin. But the one thing that kept me from taking the pledge was, that knew I should break it very soon after I had taken it, and then I thought I should look so foolish, besides, to break the pledge would be so ungentlemanly. But it never occurred to me how I was sinning against God. You see, God was not in my thoughts at all, and that is why I thought of trying man’s way of keeping his fellow-creature from sin.
I was at that time out in Australia, up country, and it was on the 28th of January, when riding to the township with the letters for England, that I awoke to the fact that I was not Only ruining myself in health and strength, but that I was sinning against God, and that I had to answer to God for my sing. Then came an awful time for me! I knew what a sinner I had been, and I thought that God was going to cut me off in my sins. I had never till this time realized, firstly, that there was a God; secondly, that I was a sinner; thirdly, that I the sinner was alone, with God’s eye on me. I tried to remember texts in the Bible. I could not. I tried to remember prayers from the Prayer-Book, not one came into mind, and every moment I was afraid that it would be too late, and God would cut me off suddenly.
It is a remarkable thing that the thought of taking the pledge never entered my mind then, as Adam, when he had sinned, put a fig-leaf apron on of his own making, but when he heard the voice of God in the garden, he forgot his fig-leaf apron, and tried to hide himself from His presence. In the same way it was a terrible thing for me riding along a solitary road alone with God’s eye on me, and knowing I could not hide from Him. I reached the township at last, and got through the business I had to do, hardly knowing what I did, I was so wretched. Was it any wonder that a friend stopped me and said, “Why R―, how awfully ill you look!” Was it not enough to make me look ill, knowing that I had twenty-five years of sin to answer for to a holy God, believing as I did that he was going to make me answer for them then?
I started back from the township, and I so well remember the terror I had of the lonely ride back of eighteen miles. So frightened was that I bought a new pair of spurs, for I felt I could not get my horse on quick enough, for however fast I went, I was still a sinner alone with God; but I remembered I had a Bible in my box, as yet unopened the two years I had been out in Australia, and I thought at all events I will get some comfort from that, so I never drew rein till I got to the home station. Directly I got there I went straight to my room, and the whole of that night was I down on my knees, trying to pray, or reading parts of Scripture, but no light nor comfort broke in upon me.
The next day I was really ill from trouble and grief, and the twenty-five years of unforgiven sin weighed so heavily upon me, that I went and unburdened my heart to one who, by her life, I knew possessed something I had not, and I thought she had the forgiveness of sins I was seeking, and would be able to tell me the way to get it too. I shall never forget her astonishment when she heard that the one who had outstripped all others on the station in vice, had been down on his knees all night trying to pray, and that what made him look so worn and ill was because he had twenty-five years of sin to answer for to God, and he did not know how they were to be forgiven.
All I seemed to carry away of what she said to me was, “Read the Gospel of John, Mr. R―.” So I set to work, and next evening I got to the fifth chapter, and I read in the twenty-fourth verse, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.” Why, said I, I am reading His word now, and I do believe that God sent Jesus into the world to die on the cross, so in that case if the Bible is true (and I know it is), I have everlasting life, and I shall not come into condemnation for those twenty-five years of sin. So down I went on my knees, and told God I did believe praying Him to help my unbelief.
Then I felt as if a load had been lifted off me, and I well remember while I was working the next day that I simply sang to myself, “I have everlasting life, I shall not come into condemnation.”
God had showed me that there is no condemnation for him that is in Christ Jesus. Was not that enough to make a man’s heart ring for joy, who had been two nights groaning under twenty-five years’ unforgiven sin? But this is not all. God has shown―wonderful though this is―not only is there no condemnation for him that is in Christ Jesus, but, dear reader, in that same eighth chapter of Romans He has shown me there is no separation from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord, and that same God against whom I sinned for twenty-five years, I can now call Abba, Father.
Dear reader, how many years of sin have you to answer for? May the Lord in His love make you as miserable as He made me, for I know that then it will not be long before He shows you, as He showed me, that “He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation, but is passed from death unto life.”
E. P. R.